The Road Less Travelled
by Ray103
Summary: First Star Trek fan fic - Chapel decides to move forward with her life. Ongoing story takes a dark turn
1. Chapter 1

The box was big, embarrassingly big, taking up most of the entrance to her quarters. For the past 3 days she had been removing all books and items collected in relation to Vulcan, the planet, the people.

Christine knew that she was a rational "most days" she groaned, reasonably calm and educated person, however on sitting back onto her bed to view the collection before her – she started to dispute this assessment.

"What was I thinking?"

She ran her fingers through her hair, resting her palms on the sides of her cheeks.

"Damn it Christine, you're being an idiot, just let it go"

A single deep breath encouraged her to return to sorting out the pile in front of her. It was another two hours before she could finally seal the box. All the days, months spent in hopeless plans for an impossible reality, neatly arranged in alphabetical order. She leant across the box, sealing it. forever. In larger than necessary letters the word "Rubbish" was scrawled across the lid.

"Well, what doesn't kill us…" smiling sadly to herself she straightened her uniform and headed to the door to begin her shift.

* * *

"Wondered when you were going to make an appearance"

Leonard's words greeted her on entry to Sickbay

"I'm sorry", she mumbled, moving her head to meet his eyes. "I had some matters that I needed to deal with, but its fine now "

McCoy considered asking her more, however thought better of it. Christine was an excellent Nurse, the occasional aberration in her behaviour was usually due to a good reason. The matter of her lateness to shift was soon dropped from the conversation.

"It's been a quiet one", Leonard sighed reaching for the now cooled coffee sitting on his desk, "a minor strain, an easily managed communicable disease and a mildly interesting insertion, the notes of which you can read at your leisure"

He sipped the coffee, not enjoying the now tepid temperature.

"I really must stop getting sidetracked, I hate cold coffee"

She smiled and took the notes from his desk.

"Well let's hope the Captain can keep this level of activity until we dock at Vulcan, I fancy a slow few weeks before shore leave"

"Interesting", he tapped the rim of his cup; "you're not usually a big shore leave fan, any particular reason that your interest has been peaked this time around?" McCoy leaned forward slightly, one corner of his mouth rising slightly.

"Leonard, I know what you are thinking, and your wrong – yes we dock at Vulcan, but that's not my reason for wanting shore leave – in fact far from it"

McCoy had now been the overseer of Nurse Chapel's feelings for First Officer Spock for a number of years. He was sure in his assumption that Christine's wish for shore leave was due to wanting to obtain more information in relation to the home planet of the object of her affection. As if reading his mind, she answered his unstated belief:

"I have just spent the past few days clearing my room of all that is Vulcan – some of which, I might add, is quite collectable. I plan to offer it to the Vulcan museum"

"Hmm…. Clearing out your quarters – you trying to tell me something Christine"

"Not really … well", she paused for a moment. Leonard was more than her boss, for a long time now he had fallen into the role of father figure. She felt she could confide in him in relation to most matters, however in relation to Spock she was concerned that he would be placed in an awkward position, given his friendship with the First Officer.

"Oh Damn it …. Ok – in the spirit of moving on.. I'm getting rid of the …stuff…cause in a sense I'm getting rid of Spock"

McCoy frowned "you're not going to kill him are you, I mean I understand the frustration but that might be a bit extreme", his frown held a playful hint in its expression.

Christine shrugged, with a small smile forming on her lips.

"Tempting" she laughed "and I have the medical knowledge to make it look like an accident, but no – I have no wish to hurt him. I woke up a few days ago and realised that I am a stupid fool". She thought for a moment and then continued on:

"I came on board looking for Roger, found him, lost him, fell into 'loving' Spock – like I needed a safety net for my emotions. I think most of my adult life I have avoided dealing with 'me' by placing all my wishes and plans in the hands of another, even if they didn't want them. I think it was sort of an avoidance tactic –whilst 'being in love' with someone, I didn't have to deal with what was going on for me"

She took a deep breath "sorry, all a bit heavy for the first 10 minutes of shift"

McCoy grinned again "heavy but honest" he paused "Is it honest?"

She shifted in her seat:

"He doesn't love me, and he shouldn't – I've done nothing to deserve that sort of devotion. I do my role; I care for people when they need to be cared for. Hell I don't even really know if it is love that I feel, or I've just convinced myself that it is "

"It's been a few years though Christine, do you think you can just turn this off, whatever this is?"

She looked away:

"I don't know Leonard, but I know if I don't try then neither of us will get any peace, and that's not fair to him but particularly to me. I have the control here – God damn it I'm a scientist, a skilled articulate professional not some 16 year old doe eyed adolescent, I'm sick of being irritating particularly to myself".

"Well bravo Christine", McCoy reached across and took her hand, "Don't get me wrong, between you and me I love the stupid Vulcan lug – but I also don't want to see you hurt. Do what you have to do to feel ok and know I'll be here to support you no matter what".

Without thinking she reached across the table to hug McCoy, placing a deep kiss of affection upon his cheek.

"Excuse me Doctor McCoy, Nurse Chapel?" Both turned to see Spock standing at the door, "I apologise if I have interrupted anything"

McCoy started to respond, when he was cut short by Christine "Its fine Mr Spock, I was just thanking Dr McCoy for his support in a matter of … " she thought momentarily for the words …"cardiac health". They both grinned at each other before she headed out of the door.

"I will read over your shift notes Doctor, I am intrigued as to how a communicator can become placed in what appears to be a less than convenient access position"

She then turned, politely acknowledged Spock and left the room.

"Nurse Chapel appears to be in a positive mood", Spock noted as he handed McCoy a PADD to be signed.

"She's working hard on a personal project at the moment, if the results are what she is hoping for, I think we can see a much more content Christine, now Spock what can I do for you?"

* * *

Sweaty and in some level of aching pain Christine left the gym to meet Uhura for lunch.

"Perhaps a shower first next time Chris?" Nyota grimaced slightly as Christine placed her food tray on the table next to her.

"I was running late, and I thought you would miss my charming company if I didn't make it here on time" Christine grinned at her friend, in a surprisingly wicked way.

"Ha, well company aside – you look like hell, what have you been up to?"

"Boxing!" Christine exclaimed "and am really enjoying it, and you should see my arms", with that she rolled up the sleeve of her jacket to show off her newly forming biceps.

"Indeedy – I am shaping up mighty fine, if I do say so myself"

"Well you and perhaps Ensign Carter sitting about four tables down"

Christine turned to catch the Ensign watching her, he quickly moved to continue his conversation. Christine whispered to Nyota "I could do worse..", both women giggled and resumed their lunch.

Uhura was discussing the latest updates from on the Bridge, Christine updated her in some of the more interesting medical cases that had appeared in sickbay. The topic of shore leave came up, Uhura stating her intention of heading to the surface, Christine was about to share her plans when they were joined by McCoy, Kirk and Spock.

"Sorry ladies to intrude, mind if we join you – seems the rec room is very popular at the moment" Kirk's voice was warm, yet authoritative

"No problem" replied Uhura,"though I apologise for my companion who appears to have given up on showering"

Christine blushed briefly then composed herself, "I have spent the last two hours in the gym perfecting the greatest right hook known in this century "

"Indeed" noted the Captain, "Only yesterday Ensign Carter made mention on the Bridge of your boxing prowess", Kirk leant a little closer " he seemed quite impressed"

"Well I do float like a butterfly and sting like a bee" – four faces turned to her in confusion "it's a quote from the 20th C , by a famous boxer – doesn't matter". She reached across the table for the water jug, grimacing slightly. Spock, sitting opposite her noted her action "Miss Chapel are you injured?", his voice was low so as not to interrupt the conversation of the Captain with the others.

"Injured, no – I just fell the wrong way today in the gym. Its minor, more irritating than anything else" Spock made no more comment of it, however lifted the jug to her glass and filled it.

"Thanks" she smiled at him, remembering briefly how previously she would have always considered her responses to him – how he would read interpret them. The new Christine in her new incantation had decided to respond as she would with anyone, naturally / openly.

Conversation flowed with a comfortable ease, Christine did not seek out Spock in the group, nor did she ignore him. At one stage she unconsciously raised her hands to her hair to remove the band tying it back, the still wet locks fell loosely around her shoulders, short strands clung to her face as her skin continued to show signs of her previous exertions. She thought, briefly, that she had seen Spock from the corner of her eye, watching her rearrange her hair, and perhaps linger a little longer than normal on her features. She shook her head slightly and quickly removed such thoughts from her mind.

After more than an hour Christine excused herself, though proud of her work out even she had to admit that a shower would be in everyone's best interest.

She headed for the door, surprised by a voice behind her. "Miss Chapel" it was Spock "you are heading to sick bay I assume?"

Christine turned to face him, slightly shorter than him in her sneakers she had to look up to meet his eyes. "It hadn't been my intention, is there a reason I am required there – my shift is not for another few hours"

"Your….irritaton may require treatment, I noted that more than once you appeared to favour one side of your body, indicating possible damage"

"My? … oh, the muscle strain – goodness Mr Spock, it really is minor, it will go away on its own accord. A hot shower and bed will sort it out quickly enough". She turned and headed down to the corridor, slightly surprised to have the First Officer fall into step with her.

"Am I to get an escort to my quarters?" she queried, continuing on her way

"I have duties to complete in areas that are in this direction, unless you find my company disagreeable I will walk with you"

"Disagreeable….Nooo…whatever", the last comment was mumbled under her breath.

The next few steps were in silence, slightly awkward silence. Though Christine could quote nearly every Vulcan statistic known, she knew very little about this particular Vulcan – a fact she had been coming to realise more and more over recent weeks.

"Are you planning to go on shore leave when we reach Vulcan?", her voice echoed slightly, inconveniently the corridors were particularly empty making their walk together more pronounced.

"It had not been my intention Miss Chapel, do you intend to make use of your allocated leave time?"

"Ummm, yes – but not for recreation, well sort of but not really"

Spock stopped walking and turned to Christine, "your comment does not appear to make sense Nurse"

"Its … I just have some things that I wish to donate to the Vulcan museum... Uummm some old books I've collected awhile ago for which I have no more use"

"Books?', Spock queried

Christine inwardly groaned. Things had been going so well – the first few days after her discussion with McCoy her actions with Spock had still been quite considered, however she had found in the most recent weeks that she had been thinking of him less, responding more naturally. Why did she have to mention the books, they were – in a way, the symbol of her now shown to be hopeless infatuation with the unattainable. Unfortunately that unattainable object was now demonstrating an interest about the very things that she wished to discard.

"Damn damn damn" she muttered

"Nurse?"

"What oh yes the books – old tatty things, had them for ages…picked them up at various places – thought they might be of interest. I'm sure most of them are now available in a more convenient form, anyway it was just an idea"

"It would seem an ill advised use of your time if, as you say, the books are 'tatty' and of little interest – may I see them, I might be able to ascertain their worth to a museum"

"Of course, I can have them brought over to your quarters to look at when you are free"

"Alternatively I could collect them now, as we are on the way to your quarters" He responded.

"Now…?" she could only think of the large word RUBBISH written over the box. She had written it as a statement, however on deciding on donating the books she had held every intention of rewording the box to something more appropriate.

"I really need a shower Mr Spock, if you are free in an hour and you still wish to collect them – you could come by then, I will feel a bit more human by then"

"I am sure you _feel_ quite human at all times Miss Chapel"

Christine could of sworn there was an emphasis in the wording that made the comment seem more personal than just a throw away comment. Again she chided herself for her foolishness.

"I will attend your quarters in an hour Miss Chapel"

"Fine … ummm Mr Spock – probably not the time or place, but can you ease off on the 'Miss'Chapel"

Spock opened his mouth to respond – Christine quickly stopped him " this isn't a request to call me Christine, that's not my call as to when/ if you use my first name", she paused" it never has been" – "rather if you must address me, can you show the respect of my station that is call me **Nurse** Chapel, I feel noting my relationship status in a greeting is a bit ummm….outdated"

Spock was silent for a moment, then leant forward slightly "I agree Nurse Chapel, though I believe that at some stage your title would be more appropriate as Doctor Chapel"

"Funny you should say that I've been recently thinking that very thought myself" She smiled comfortably for the first time during the conversation.

"Nurse Chapel !" a voice from down the corridor broke the sense of ease between the two of them. Both turned to see a young Ensign running to catch up.

"Ensign Carter?"

Though Christine had seen the officer on board she had had limited contact with him, and never a conversation. Uhura's comments in the rec room and been the first time she had taken any real notice. She waited until he had caught his breath then queried his call.

"Can I help you?"

"Yes, at least I hope so. I noticed in the rec room that … well you noticed me"

Christine's brow furrowed, she started to develop a feeling of illness in her stomach "_please do not let this turn into some High School prom date scenario, not in front of Spock" _she thought.

"I thought I saw you looking over my way Ensign, but I'm not sure…..", she was unable to finish as the enthusiastic officer kept talking – seemingly oblivious to the company he was in.

"I trained as a boxer on Earth, during my time studying in Starfleet. I've noticed you in the gym and well, you are doing great but you could be better. I was wondering if you are interested in taking up to another level. That is training together – you will get a lot more out of it, and it would help me as well. I've been a bit slack since coming on board in regards to keeping up my fitness – it would help focus, are you interested?"

His offer appeared to have been made from a genuine wish to assist, she took a brief moment to consider. He sounded sincere, seemed to know what he was talking about, and she did love this new form of exercise – if she could improve it surely could only assist her in focussing her mind away from any errant thoughts that distracted her from her current path.

"Ok Ensign, you have a training partner"

"However" a voice, belonging to someone almost forgotten in the situation, interjected in a manner that demanded attention. Both turned immediately to the source. "Nurse Chapel has currently sustained some injuries, as such training would not be advisable in the immediate future"

Christine momentarily held her breath whilst she considered her response to Spock's statement. She was, in all honesty, a little taken aback. Not only was he giving medical advice on a condition she had already explained as being minor, he was also seemed to be directing her exercise activities. She could not remember a time when he had shown any interest in her recreational pursuits, or her general health.

"As First Officer of the Enterprise the health and wellbeing of the crew is one of my primary responsibilities". Spock explained.

The Ensign looked from Christine to Spock and back again, unsure if he was being reprimanded.

"Carter", Christine began, then paused, " Matt", she decided using his first name was more appropriate to indicate that she was not in any way angry with him.

"I appreciate that someone has noticed my interest in this sport, and if you have any ideas for techniques or training styles that might improve what I'm currently doing than that would be great. Mr Spock is correct that I have a slight injury at the moment, however _MY_ MEDICAL opinion is that I will be able to train in a couple of days. I'm not sure of your roster, but if you want to drop around to Sickbay later on I'll be on shift and we can talk more about a time to catch up –is that ok?"

Ensign Carter was grinning broadly "Of course, that's great. I'll see you later" He turned quickly to Spock "Mr Spock" he stated, then turned and left.

"The officer is very young and impressionable", noted Spock, turning again to face Christine "I would recommend that you reconsider his offer as he may interpret matters in a manner that may not be productive to a positive work environment. Also I am unsure that Boxing can be considered an appropriate sport to train in, particularly for someone who is in the medical profession"

Christine stood, silent, mouth slightly open with shock. In all the times she had been in contact with Spock the emotions that she had felt had all been warm, there was care / concern / loyalty even maybe love – but right at this moment, in this time and space she had only one feeling for him and that was anger, swelling up inside her to where she thought she might burst. She took a deep breath and calmly, yet clearly made her thoughts known.

"_MR_ Spock, I appreciate your concern for the crew – though as stated I am able to assess my own medical condition, perhaps better than _non _medical personnel. Also I am unsure as to how YOU interpret the Lieutenant's offer, but I saw it as one crewmember offering to assist another in an area of interest to the benefit of both. I cannot see how that could do anything BUT contribute to a positive working environment" She took another breath. "And I am not even going to have a discussion with you in relation to how I intend to keep fit. Now I really must get ready for my next shift, as for coming to my quarters to assess the items that I have, I do not believe that that is currently necessary. I will forward them to your quarters at a more convenient time. Now SIR, if you don't mind I must excuse myself"

With that Christine turned and finished the short walk to her quarters without looking back. One thing she knew for sure, when she met Carter in the gym it would be Spock's face she imagined on the punching bag.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

If McCoy didn't know better he would think that Spock was agitated. He had observed Spock come in and out of Sickbay over the past three days barely acknowledging the staff, seeking no medical attention.

"Spock, can I help you?" McCoy was positioned behind his desk watching Spock's movements.

"Nurse Chapel had some books delivered to my quarters, I wished to discuss them with her prior to her delivering them to Vulcan, are you aware of her current location?" Spock responded in an efficient manner, clearly not wishing to engage in unnecessary pleasantries.

"Oh yes, the books – she mentioned them to me a few weeks ago" McCoy leaned further back into his chair, slowly raising his feet to rest upon the desk.

Spock raised an eyebrow to show, McCoy believed, his level of disapproval at the relaxed manner in which the CMO presented himself.

"I believe she is very interested in having them removed from her life", he started, wondering if Spock could read between the lines.

"Yes, she had mentioned that to me as well, however there are some which she may choose to keep after I discuss with her their significance".

"Hmmmmm…." McCoy continued "perhaps she does not care for their significance, or perhaps what makes them significant is only relevant to you, and no longer to her"

Spock stood for moment, seeming to consider McCoy's words. He was sure that the Doctor was trying to allude to some other topic of conversation other than the discarded books.

"Spock, I'm just going to say it – be careful"

"Of what exactly Doctor, should I be careful?" he had no wish to be drawn into this particular conversation, though the Doctor seemed intent of pursuing a particular line of discussion.

"Of Christine, of course –look, I wasn't going to say anything, but there is something going on at the moment. She seems to have settled down, found some sort of way of getting on with things. Then all of a sudden you are hovering around the Sickbay, offering to assess books for her, offering to assess them in her quarters. Now far be it for me to jump to conclusions, but … well…" McCoy rubbed his chin in thought as to how best to present his views "one might say that her lack of interest has sparked yours"

Spock looked decidedly uncomfortable

"Doctor I do not hover" he responded.

"Fine, you hang around with no clear purpose"

McCoy sat back in his chair, waiting for the onslaught of logical denial to his comments. And he waited, and waited.

Spock stood in silence his response was, to say the least, surprising.

" I am unsure of this current situation", he answered, thoughtfully_._ This was not a conversation he wished to have with McCoy, regardless of their friendship. Jim would be more appropriate, though he had not raised any concern and Spock had not wished to initiate discussion on a topic he himself was unsure of.

"So you agree," McCoy, continued, "that there is a situation"

"I agree that there are a set of circumstances, which involve Nurse Chapel. Circumstances that were unforeseen. These circumstances do not affect the functioning of the crew or my own work performance. The matter will be managed in a manner that causes least amount of impact upon the functioning of the ship"

McCoy sat staring directly at Spock, a broad grin erupting over his face.

"You like her" his smile extended to almost the length of his face "and you don't know how to tell her. But why … why wait until she is almost over you…why not do something about it ages ago"

"I have not stated that I _like _Nurse Chapel in the way that you imply, it is enough to say that circumstances have changed"

"Yeah they sure have, in the form of a 25 year old Ensign who seems to think the sun shines out of her, an incredibly fit 25 year old who basically spends hours with her in various states of undress in very sweaty situations"

Spock again raised an eyebrow and returned to his original question. "Do you know where Nurse Chapel is?"

"I certainly do – I believe she is currently in a circumstantial situation with a certain Ensign in the gym"

Spock left without making further responses to McCoy, barely acknowledging Kirk as he strolled through the doors of Sickbay.

"What's with Spock?" Jim asked as he watched his First Officer stride down the corridor

"Pull up a chair Jimbo", McCoy offered as he poured himself a whiskey "we are in for one hell of a ride"

Kirk took the seat offered and settled in for a long discussion with the good doctor

Spock strode into the gym, McCoy's words echoing in his head. Of course he could not be irritated by McCoy's comments, irritation was by far too human an emotion, however his calmness had been disturbed.

Open laughter stopped his reflection as he turned his head to identify the source. Nurse Chapel was in a makeshift ring with Ensign Carter, who – it appeared had decided that training shirtless would be a more effective method of transferring knowledge on technique. She had obviously been practicing for some time, as her body had a glow of perspiration. He stood and watched as she held a water container to quench her thirst, Carter making attempts to take it from her in what appeared to be an ongoing game. She made moves to dodge him resulting in the Ensign grabbing her about the waist. Both laughed again with an ease that had Spock thinking he had interrupted an intimate moment.

McCoy's words again came to his mind "be careful of Christine…" He had to admit, as he observed her unrestrained responses to the young officer that in his interactions with the Nurse she had never presented with such spontaneity, such openness of self.

Spock lowered his eyes from the scene before him, and turned to leave. McCoy had no right to comment on his intentions, though in this matter his non-solicited remarks may have held merit.

A scream split his thoughts in two as he spun upon the sudden confusion within the gym.

A young female officer had fallen, landing on an upturned metal rod. His brief assessment of the scene indicated that the officer's side had been speared. She must have attempted to move, as the wound, even from the distance of where he stood, looked open and bloody.

Spock made his way towards the fallen officer, but not before Christine had arrived at her side – quickly moving to assess and treat her where possible.

Spock leaned over Christine's shoulder "It appears an artery has been severed" he offered as means of diagnosis.

"Spock, you're not a medic just back off I can manage this, call sickbay immediately and grab me some towels NOW!"

She looked up at him as he stood over her.

"Look charge me with insubordination AFTER I have saved this kid's life ok?"

Without responding to her directly he moved to call for emergency medical response, as well as directing those about him to grab towels to assist Christine.

The blood was pooling near the crewmember's body, seeping deeper into the mat.

"God dam it, have to stop the blood, where are the towels?" Christine yelled at the small group of onlookers forming a semi circle around the scene. When none were handed to her she quickly pulled her top from her body to form a bandage to staunch the flow of blood. This left her exposed to the bloody mess before her, her skin and clothes becoming soaked as she continued to apply pressure to the wound.

Spock had seen her respond to medical situations before, though never one quite as raw as this. In the absence of the correct medical equipment, Nurse Chapel was responding by instinct, with whatever was in her reach to save the patient. She moved swiftly, with an authority he had not appreciated previously.

The young woman coughed, her eyes opened briefly, panic filling them. "I don't want to die," she pleaded.

"No one dies today," Christine growled, grabbing at the woman's hand whilst still holding the bandage in place. "We've called for help".

If no one dies today, Spock thought, it would be due to sheer human will, not logical but so blatantly clear from his observations. He noted the whiteness of Christine's knuckles holding the officer's hand. Skin made whiter in comparison to the deep red which now covered the ground. Christine was holding onto the officer with skill and hope, encouraging the girl to breath one single breath after another.

He also heard her speak to the patient, calm but defiant to Death that sat still on the shoulder of the injured officer. He watched Christine wipe her forehead, check her pulse and control the crowd. He watched Christine transform from a meek creature in the shadows to a competent and capable being standing in full light.

Medical staff from Sickbay arrived within minutes to the gym – quickly providing pain relief and more appropriate bandaging. Christine stood, still holding the hand of the girl "You will need surgery, but you will be ok", Christine smiled.

"Will you come with me, be there, I think I need you there" she almost begged.

"I'll follow you, its ok" Christine watched her be taken from the gym, she breathed deeply, folding her arms across her body.

She had almost forgotten the top she has used to help save the officer's life, suddenly feeling very naked in only her sports bra and gym shorts. She turned to grab a discarded towel lying on the floor nearby when suddenly her shoulders were wrapped in a warm jacket, completely covering her.

"Thanks Matt", she responded not immediately turning around.

"I believe the Ensign is currently in the bathroom, he left soon after the accident. I have concluded the sight of blood makes him feel unwell"

"Spock!" surprise lifted her voice slightly "I thought you had gone"

"Given the situation I had thought I may have been necessary, however on reflection it appears that I was not. You seem very capable of managing crisis situations"

"Certain situations", she clarified "I hold my own when it's a medical matter, but am useless at other things", her voice then lowered "I am sorry I yelled at you"

"Given the need for immediate attention to your patient, it was not an unwarranted action. There will be no reprimand or report to the Captain."

She smiled warmly, pulling the jacket closer around her.

"Thank goodness, I have no wish to spend the next few days in the brig", she shivered slightly.

"Have you been harmed in any way?" He asked

"Just the adrenalin leaving my body. Mmm I need to get cleaned up and head down to Sickbay, I promised Thompson I would be there when she came out of her surgery"

"I believe the patient will require rest, as do you" he made moves to usher Christine from the gym towards her quarters.

"No Mr. Spock, I made a promise and I follow through. Besides it's the little things that make a good nurse, the hand holding, the brow wiping, the soup making"

_Oh God, she could have hit herself in the head for that comment._

He made no response. Christine convinced herself it had gone unheard.

She raised her hand wiping sweat from her forehead, the blood from the officer had splattered onto her face, and subsequently been smeared across her cheeks.

Spock held his palm to the side of her face wiping his thumb down her cheek to remove some of residue.

A feeling of safety washed over her, almost like she knew she was protected – but protected from what, by whom? Her eyes closed briefly to clear her mind and the feeling had gone.

Christine moved to follow the officer being stretchered out from the gym, then paused returning to Spock.

"Mr. Spock", she began

He started to reiterate that his actions where part of his duties "As First Officer it is …."

"Mr. Spock" she stated again, this time raising her hand to within inches of his mouth to stop him continuing "I wish to say _thank you_ for your concern"

His eyes locked with hers and for the briefest moment it was as if a wall of silence had been created to isolate the two from the busy crowd.

Without reacting Spock uttered only one word

"Understood"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Her arms ached, her back ached, her whole body told her that bed and sleep were the only things to satisfy her. She massaged her neck as she exited the shower, enjoying the steam as it enveloped her body.

"What I wouldn't give for a long hot bubble bath." She muttered to no one. Her body was sore from training and later the surgery for Thompson, for which she had offered to assist. Overall the operation had been straightforward. The wound though large had been easily repaired. M'Benga had led the team, with Christine providing support.

Spock had stayed for the operation, though must have left soon after. She had noted him in the corner of the room, talking to McCoy. It had seemed an odd interaction drawing her attention. McCoy appeared to have become quite animated as discussion had progressed.

Stepping towards her bed, Christine could only think of sinking deep into the sheets and drifting away to a wonderful world of dreams.

The intercom beeped with a male voice requesting entry to her room.

"Of course Matt, come in" she grabbed a robe, lying at the end of her bed and moved towards the doors. She smiled tiredly as he entered.

"Hi Christine", he smiled back, but would not meet her eyes.

"Are you ok?" she queried

"Yeah, I'm fine – just embarrassed. That's why I'm here, I wanted to apologise to you.

Christine looked at him, confused but silent, allowing him to continue.

"When Thompson fell, the blood – sorry, I just ran. I hadn't seen so much before I.. I…"

"You felt sick to your stomach, and you wanted to throw up"

"Yep, that about sums it up"

Christine held her hand to her mouth to stifle a laugh. Ensign Carter remained with his head lowered until her hand found his arm.

"You sweet thing" she smiled "that's nothing to be embarrassed about"

He looked towards her whilst moving past her to her lounge, sitting with a defeated bend to his body.

"I think you are being kind"

"I think you are being silly", she paused then continued, taking a seat next to him." Did you know I didn't train to be a nurse, not initially – I was, am a scientist. Nursing came to my life later on. I _hated _the sight of blood, threw up the first time I saw a body dissected"

"Sure you say that" leaning his head back, he turned slightly towards her "I saw you, you were great"

"Well get me down into engineering and ask me to reconfigure a propulsion engine and I would curl up in the foetal position. Its ok to be freaked out by things" taking his hand in hers she gently rubbed her thumb across his fingers.

On reflection Christine was unsure as to what exactly happened next, other than suddenly she was in her room, barely dressed with a very handsome much younger man kissing her firmly yet sensitively. She thought that perhaps she had pulled away, but could not definitively state that was her reaction. All she knew now to be the truth was that she was enjoying whatever it was that was happening.

At some stage the Ensign had lost his shirt, her hands reaching up his chest to feel the firmness of his flesh under her fingers. Pulling him down to her, she moved underneath him with an eagerness that she had forgotten she possessed. He wanted her, and she definitely wanted more of him.

_This feels so right, oh so right.. so "_Wrong!"

"What?" the Ensign's head lifted from Christine's neck to look directly into her eyes "Wrong?" he asked again, in between short breathes.

"Oh God I'm crazy", she murmured pulling herself up to a sitting position whilst readjusting her robe in front of her.

Carter sat back into the lounge, clearly affected by recent events, evidenced by a certain strain upon his trouser uniform.

"Did I do something? I … I thought you…." He stammered, feeling suddenly abandoned on the lounge, vulnerable in front of this woman.

"No Matt, you didn't do anything, well you did – but what you did was fine..It's me, oh God that sounds so clichéd, but it's the truth, it is me. I'm just not ready for whatever this is… even if this is just.. this"

She struggled to find the words to explain her change of mind; the problem was she wasn't really sure what was going on. She knew she had been enjoying herself, wanting things to go further. She had been at the point of willingly giving herself over to the moment and damning all consequences, when a sense of betrayal had stopped her. It made no sense, there were no grounds for such a feeling, but it sat there heavy in her stomach. No matter how much she desired the man before her, she could take her actions no further.

"Look Matt, I can't explain this, just its not going to happen tonight" _because I'm_ _an idiot_ she added silently in her own mind.

The intercom buzzed for the second time, again a male voice requested entry. A voice she knew too well.

"Mr Spock!" Matt looked over at Christine, "Oh" realization dawning on his face "oohh".

"What! No! Matt you have the whole wrong idea – I don't know what this is about"

Christine managed to disentangle herself from the lounge, quickly making her way to the intercom.

"Yes Mr Spock, what can I do for you?"

"There are matters that require discussion prior to our arrival at Vulcan Nurse Chapel, is this an inconvenient time?"

"Not at all, just one moment"

She looked at the scene before her; little would indicate the activities of earlier, except the half naked Ensign sitting in her room.

"Matt your shirt" she hissed

He looked down and blushed, shrugging his shoulders indicating he was unsure of its location. Christine quickly scanned the room sighting it somewhere near the bathroom. Even she could not explain how it had landed there. Pointing wildly he followed her lead.

Spock's voice again came through the intercom "Nurse Chapel, perhaps next time you might consider removing her hand from the intercom button if you wish to discuss issues of wardrobe with your guests. I can return at a more appropriate time"

She gave up, the night was becoming all too much of a strange emotional carnival ride.

"No its fine, Ensign Carter was just leaving", she looked over to ensure the officer was appropriately attired "please come in"

The door slid open, Spock strode in as Carter backed his way out of her quarters. As the two crossed a feeling sparked within Christine's body, anger, hot anger wrapped in possession. She felt uncomfortable, almost afraid; it was enough to send shivers down her spine.

"Mr Spock"

"Ensign Carter"

Spock stood still watching as the officer left. Christine was tempted to say Spock was acting territorially. He stood hands behind his back, not giving any ground, watching the officer's every move. When he appeared satisfied that Carter had completely removed himself Spock turned to face Christine, _and check out my room, _she thought, as his eyes appeared to focus on her bed. _Well there's not much there to see _she thought to herself, _but not through want of trying._

"Tea Mr Spock? water?, personally I feel this evening calls from something a little stronger, but I'm happy to get you what you would like"

Spock had moved to stand near one of the chairs, beside the lounge area. Apart from a couple of discarded pillows, all was in order.

"I do not require refreshment Nurse Chapel. I have come to discuss the books you sent to my quarters for assessment".

"Books?. Oh those, I had forgotten about them, it seems so long ago".

"Do you tend to forget about items that do not remain in your immediate vicinity?" He asked in a short tone.

A deep frown developed across Christine's forehead. "Is this a test?" she asked, "have I been negligent in my duties, forgotten something causing error?" her answer was abrupt, as his comments had seen harsh and unsolicited.

"I have observed that if you are distracted, you lose focus on what were previously considered significant items"

Christine's head was starting to swim, perhaps it was the tiredness, the situation with Matt or having Spock standing in her quarters in the middle of the night, but for whatever reason she could not understand his interest in discussing this matter at this time.

"I don't lose interest in things that matter Mr Spock, the books _no longer _matter to me. I want them gone, they remind me of" she paused " an unhappy time".

Moving around the table to sit down she tried to make sense of his statements.

"Are you sure you are talking about the books?"

"Nurse Chapel, of what else would I be discussing. You asked me to undertake a task for you, which I did. Since this time you have been unavailable for discussion due to activities. My consideration to attending your quarters at this hour, was based on observation that you would not be present any earlier, given your alternative focus".

Folding her arms across her chest, Christine sat back into her chair, looking intently at the First Officer.

"Are you angry with me?" a picture had become to form in her mind, the feelings she had had, the anger, the betrayal could all be corresponded to Spock's presence. Maybe it was madness to make these assumptions, but the man before her was definitely not himself. Not the man who had wrapped her so tenderly in a jacket, as she had stood shaking in the gym only hours before.

"Nurse Chapel I do not get angry"

"Mr Spock you choose not to get angry, however you are capable of anger"

Tension rose in the room, an impasse had been reached, for which neither side was prepared.

"You are not talking about the books, I suspect you are talking about" how should she put this " feelings that you may have either towards me, or believed that I hold towards you"

_Hell! Where did that come from _Even Christine was amazed by her honesty, _I must be so tired as to be on the brink of craziness._

Spock shut down any further conversation with a simple statement.

"Nurse Chapel it is late, this matter is finished".

"No, no you don't get to leave, without telling me the truth, without telling me what you feel!"

"Nurse Chapel I cannot…"

"Will not!"

"Nurse Chapel I _cannot _tell you what I do not know "

"So you might feel something, but you don't know what it is?"

Spock stood silently in front of the doors, unable to exit as Christine barred his path. Her hand rose instinctively to place upon his chest, she stopped part way.

"I cant even touch you", her voice saddened "I cant even just touch you" She slumped back against the door, moving her body to one side to allow him to exit.

Spock remained standing still.

"If you are going, just go … ", she did not bother to raise her face to his.

"Christine, I do not know if I wish to go. I do not know what I.. feel" at this comment she raised her face. Her eyes the purest of blue, tinged with a hint of misty sadness. He could not look away, though logically he knew the longer he remained this close, this exposed the likelihood of not leaving became greater, and that, against all rules of discipline scared him.

He moved to open the doors, then turned in a sudden movement, leaning down to find her lips with his own. Confusion washed over her, feint traces of anger, no more directed than anger - jealousy, possession. Negative emotions were like tidal waves, drowning her as his lips pressed harder against her. She thought she would not be able to breath, that she would die within his internal battle, then she saw it, felt it, a lifeline – the tiniest glimmer of what might be. A small warm ember, barely alive amongst the emotional rubble, buried deep – almost too deep to retrieve. With her mind, her heart she tried to reach down, to fan this tiny hope of what might be love.

She reached behind his neck, moving her body to press against his. His hands gripped her hips pulling her towards him. She could feel him clenching her tighter. She tried to ignore the pain she felt from each individual finger pressed deeper and deeper into her flesh.

"Spock you're hurting me" she pushed him away; looking down at her body evidence of his feelings were turning a slight bluish colour.

Spock held his hands before his face, and then looked to her, shame was unabashedly shown before her.

"I…I did not mean, Christine forgive me"

"There is nothing to forgive, it was in the moment, you didn't intend to hurt me" she took a step to stand closer to him. Spock stepped back, keeping his distance from her. _I felt something, I know that its there, but its fragile – go gently_ she reminded herself, approaching him again.

His arms had fallen to his sides; she took one in each hand and softly placed them back upon her hips. His eyes remained downcast. Another step closer _slowly, so slowly._

Again she felt emotions, turmoil, and confusion. Placing her hands over his she held them to her side, a slight movement tingled her skin as realization came to her that he was massaging, very lightly, where he had held her.

"See, I wont break" she searched for his face, he had been avoiding looking at her. She persisted until finally she found the darkness of his eyes, so soft yet with a deepness that made her feel as if she was standing at the edge of an abyss.

"But I might Christine", he whispered. "I " he took in a deep breathe " I did feel anger towards the Ensign when he was with you, it confused me, caused conflict with others. I do not wish that to repeat"

"Matt is a friend…"

At this his eyebrow raised

"A friend with whom I perhaps got carried away in a moment, it meant nothing. I like being wanted Spock, any person does. Its not wrong in itself, just maybe sometimes it happens with the wrong person"

"Would you do it again?"

She tensed a little at this question. "Are you saying you would not want me do it again – Spock I don't know what is between us, but whilst this" she moved her hand between the two of them "is unclear, I cant give you a guarantee, that would not be fair to either of us"

He stepped back. "I do not want to have this experience again Christine, if you cannot guarantee your actions then I must meditate to resolve this matter"

"You are asking me to give you a commitment to remain alone, but you cant give me a clear understanding of your feelings, your intentions towards me?"

"My readings of human emotion, particularly love was that there would be a willingness to guarantee such action"

"Not from just one person, look I don't know if I love you, is that even possible I barely know you" he moved to leave " but I know I care what happens to you, I know I _want_ to know you, I want to stand beside you. I would like to be the one you seek out to share your soul"

Her hand reached up to touch the side of his face, he turned away.

She walked towards her desk picking up a piece of paper. "Spock this has to stop here. A while ago you stated you were surprised I was not yet a Doctor, and I agreed with you. This is the confirmation of acceptance of my placement on Earth to complete my medical training. I have not spoken to the Captain yet, but I doubt there will be an issue in having me transferred"

She moved back to stand before him "do you want me to go?"

The words hung heavily in the room; stillness in time fell upon both of them. Captured by a moment that could direct their lives, their hearts.

"I will not be the reason you forgo your professional career"

"That's not an answer"

"It is the only answer I am able to provide at this time Nurse Chapel"

She again placed her hand upon his chest, _maybe I can feel what he wants, _but there was only silence in her mind. Perhaps he felt nothing, or perhaps every fibre of his body, every discipline he possessed was attempting to control the urge to hold her with the desperation of a dying man.

"Please leave Mr Spock"

Christine fell against the wall, slowly sliding down, her hands covering her eyes. Her sobs could be heard in the corridor. If only she could have looked outside, found the strength to follow Spock.

Spock left her quarters, purposely walking away. Anyone who may have passed him in the corridor would have questioned the air conditioning system, if perhaps strange pollen had been released in the ship. Anyone passing him in the corridor would have suspected some form of malfunction, as all the crew were well aware that Vulcans don't cry.

_To all who have reviewed I hope you have enjoyed – my intention is to continue, just have to work out where these two go from here. To be honest I would like them to get together, just not quite sure how to do it at this stage, so there might be a bit of a lag in writing. _

_BTW I don't own anything in relation to Star Trek_


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"Captain, Jim! The cliff"

Kirk felt his body being pushed from the path of the avalanche. He fell awkwardly, his arm twisting behind him, bone snapping under his weight.

"Spock..No!" his words were drowned by the deafening noise of falling stone.

Christine sat up in bed, beads of sweat upon her brow. Quickly looking at her arms, body. Nothing hurt. She was confused, woken from her sleep by the feeling of being suffocated, of a weight pressed upon her. It made no sense, yet it had seemed so real. Curling back into her bed, try as she may sleep eluded her.

The clock blinked 5am

The sparkle of the aged Vulcan's eyes warmed Christine's heart. Afternoon conversations with the Professor had become one of her treasured moments on campus. She sat quietly sipping tea as he continued relaying his thoughts.

"I have found it an interesting trait of human beings that so much onus is placed on language alone, often in spite of action"

She settled further into her chair providing him her full attention.

"For example I have observed humans state that they 'love' one another", at this her interest piqued, _a Vulcan talking of love?_ " However their behaviour has been at direct odds to that statement, alternatively I have observed humans who have failed to make a verbal statement, and yet their actions would indicate that there is a commitment"

"But sometimes a verbal statement of intent or interest is required" Christine answered.

"For what reason Christine? My understanding of the emotion known, as love is such that it is based in faith. Does faith require verbalisation"?

Christine fumbled with the small gold cross that hung about her neck

"No, I suppose it doesn't, if ones beliefs are strong, then I suppose words are not required"

"And yet you" he pointed, "humans, continue to play 'games', humans are fascinating" the Professor almost smiled.

Her head swung towards the aged Vulcan. "Fascinating is a nice way of saying screwed up Sir. With respect", she bowed her head to him "I must leave to attend classes"

"Of course Miss Chapel – how do your studies proceed?"

Christine sat back upon her seat as she reflected on the past months. In all honesty her decision to leave, and start study had been hard for her. The Enterprise, which had been her home for so long, was gone. Her sense of belonging had sped away at warp factor 5. She inwardly sighed even the awkward moments had had a predictable comfort to them.

Nyota had cried, as expected. Scotty had hugged her so tightly she was sure her breathing would be stopped. Ensign Carter and Thompson had been there. Christine as the link between them had brought them both together. It had been sweet, though somewhere deep inside her a tiny irritation of jealousy had scratched at her stomach. The Captain was quiet, he had kissed her sweetly on the cheek wishing her well, offering the chance to change her mind – even up until the point she had beamed down.

McCoy had stood quietly in a corner, less expressive than as the others, though that was likely due to the hangover he was experiencing after the previous night of insisting that she share "just one more moment" over a glass of well aged whiskey. They had laughed, cried, hugged, chastely kissed until a few hours prior to her leaving.

Spock had stood, hands behind his back, silently watching proceedings. Since the night in her room there had been a politeness that hovered between them. It had saddened her, yet she had chosen not to dwell. Choices had been made; Spock had not addressed the issue of her leaving. If anything he had been calmly supportive. As she had stood upon the platform to beam to Earth her eyes had sought him out. He had looked directly at her, not blinking, not moving. That had been the last thing she saw before leaving the Enterprise, his eyes, on her, intently.

"Miss Chapel?"

"Professor, apologies my mind has drifted to other matters"

"Those people of your past?"

"Yes, one in particular"

"The one, perhaps, who could not state feelings"

"Yes, the one who could not state feelings, but on reflection, and listening to _your _words, perhaps said more in his silence than I was able to understand"

"Silence, at times, makes the loudest noise if we are willing to listen, it is not logical – but I am of an age where even I can see that logic is not always an accurate guide to follow. Go to your classes Christine, I have heard that you are well ahead of the other students. It is hypothesised by those whom teach you that you may well complete your studies before your fellow students"

"Your honour me Sir"

"I can only speak the truth"

The Professor stood, slowly, with aid of a cane. Christine was unclear of his age. It was generally believed on campus that even the man himself had stopped counting the years.

Christine was unable to focus during the lecture; the Professor's words haunted her as she looked at her empty notebook. Memories drifted back, fragments of time kept precious by distance. The gaze, an act of kindness, the tiniest flicker of emotion shown in duress sometimes the _softest whisper by a quiet man can be clearer than the scream of loud man_, _if listened to with open heart_. "Damn you Spock" she grumbled under her breath. Resting her head against her hand the lecture continued to drone on. An annoying twinge in her neck caught her attention; she rubbed at it, trying to think what she had done to cause such a pain in her body. It had been reoccurring through the day since her waking so abruptly earlier in the morning. Her neck, earlier her leg, her side – she must have pulled a muscle in gym sessions during the week.

Thoughts were brought back to the here and now by a persistent buzzing, students looked around as Christine pulled her communicator from the pocket of her jeans "_Message: Urgent Enterprise returning to Earth. Spock injured – Leonard_" Christine was out of the lecture theatre and half way to her quarters before considering to ask for permission to leave.

Kirk entered Spock's room to grab the report. His arm still ached from the earlier injury, however concerns for his First Officer were foremost in his mind. He saw the disc sitting on Spock's desk, grabbed it and turned to leave, he stopped briefly when a book resting on the corner of the desk caught his attention.

It was small and leather bound, the pages open as if someone was mid reading the contents. Kirk's curiosity gave way, glancing quickly across the pages…

"_Things seem to be settling, but he still hasn't spoken of that night. Maybe he wants me to stay, but to be what, a friend, a lover, his on call nurse….Christine you are being harsh, maybe he doesn't know himself. I cant hang around waiting for Spock to decide or to come to terms with what he might or might not feel…just why why did he have to kiss me…"_

Kirk's eyes widened with the realization he was reading Christine's confidential journal, in Spock's private quarters. Suddenly feeling uncomfortable, but confused he quickly made his way to return to Sickbay.

Questions were firing in his head as he strode through the doors; a glance at his First Officer laying still upon the bed silenced his thoughts.

"_Spock will survive this, then there will be plenty of time to discuss what the hell is going on"_

"Bones?" Kirk looked at his CMO. McCoy had been working without sleep since the landing party had beamed up. Tiredness etched deeply across his face.

"He'll live, just…Damn it Jim when are you two going to realize that you are both flesh and blood"

"Admitting Spock isn't a computer, you must be tired". Kirk smiled at his friend, at least tried to smile, there was still bruising which tainted his face.

"Humph don't get me started" he paused "the medical facilities at the University will help to support his recovery, lucky we were close enough to head back to Earth"

Kirk walked around to stand beside McCoy, in what he believed to be out of earshot of his Vulcan friend. "Bones, was there a particular reason that you specifically requested this facility for Spock, I mean I know there are other's that could provide support…"

"Their work on Vulcan physiology is well documented" McCoy snapped back, then taking another couple of steps away from Spock, quietly indicating to Kirk to follow him "and I personally know one of the students there who seems to be well advanced in the specific care routines associated with the particular needs of Vulcan patients"

"Bones" Kirk considered his words "there isn't any way you could have planned this could you, cause if you did – even for the reason that I'm assuming, you could well be court martialled for trying to kill your Captain just to make your ex nurse happy" though it hurt like hell Kirk couldn't help but smile at the Doctor.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

The Enterprise had been in orbit for five hours; Christine had been pacing her room for two. Leonard had contacted her advising of Spock's arrival surely it would seem out of place not to attend. She wanted to see her old supervisor, and maybe glance in at her previous commanding officer. She looked at herself in the mirror. _You are a calm confident nearly graduated Doctor; _she repeated the sentiment once, and then again. As she walked from her door a gentle murmur could be heard, a mantra …_you are a calm confident…_

Christine entered the ward, sighting Spock almost immediately. Wires draped across his naked chest, machines blinked on and off indicating life. There was no mask covering his face, a sigh of relief from herself _at least he can breath on his own_ she noted, surely a good sign. She moved to his bed, oblivious to the medical staff around him.

"Student why are you here?" the unpleasantly shrill voice of Doctor Simpson cut across the room. "I understand your curiosity with the Vulcan, however you have no place here"

"Doctor I was not here out of curiosity, I had been requested to attend" Christine was angry at having been spoken to in such manner; as such her response was sharper than intended.

"Indeed and who would request a student. The teaching facilities are at the other end of the campus, please make your way there before I decide to take further action against your impertinence"

She was about to answer when her words were cut short by a deeper, more controlled voice.

"I have requested Doctor Chapel's attendance", both looked to the bed. Spock's eyes were open and alert.

"Commander", Simpson responded, "I do not believe you to be in any condition to make such a decision"

"Perhaps he isn't", another voice interjected, a deliciously slow Southern drawl that seeped into her body like well-aged whiskey into oak. "But I am and the Doctor remains on my recommendation, you got a problem with that?"

"She is not a Doctor", was Simpson's surly response.

"Technically, but Doctor Chapel has advanced far enough in her studies to be granted that title"

An age-old Mexican stand off was playing out on the ward. Christine thought secretly to herself, _if a girl is attacked, who better than Star Fleet elite to arrive as your cavalry._

Again a deep voice of authority broke into the obvious challenge over ward control.

"Doctor Simpson, though you have provided adequate medical attention, I believe that Doctor Chapel under supervision of CMO Doctor McCoy or recommended physician will have enough specific knowledge of my physiology to provide the care required for my recovery".

"Are you dismissing me?" Simpson spat the words

"I believe he is", McCoy was beaming, obviously enjoying the situation far too much to be professional.

Doctor Simpson stormed from the ward "I am talking to the board about this" he shouted as he made his way down the corridor.

"Well, thanks heaps you two for making my life a living hell for the next two years or so". She stood between the two of them, hands on hips.

"Anytime Christine, and might I say you are looking lovely my girl", he hugged her warmly she could only respond in kind. She had known she missed him, it was not until now she realised how much. "But unfortunately time is against me, have to return to the bird in the sky"

"What?"

"The Enterprise has been called away, we only just had time to deliver Spock for treatment. Should be back in about four weeks".

"But …" she looked from McCoy to Spock and back again "I'm not a Doctor, not yet. I can't have sole responsibility".

"Don't be foolish, you know more about that pile of wires and diodes that calls itself a First Officer than anyone else I know, besides M'Benga is on rotation here, he is available for consults. And I'm only a blip away if you need to contact"

"But…"

"But nothing" he turned to face Spock "besides the patient has already agreed, actually" he leant into a theatrical stage whisper "_insisted_. I'll be back in four weeks to collect him. Now you two have fun, I have to run" He smiled again, winking at Christine before leaving the room.

There she stood, at his bed "well", she swallowed briefly " I suppose I should look at your records"

"Indeed Doctor Chapel, an logical start"

A week and a half into her care of Spock the situation with Simpson had settled. Whether it had been McCoy's intervention, or just the natural course of things. There was the occasional reverent greeting from a fellow student, obviously her reputation had not suffered too much. Though overall she could not say there had been any repercussions of note.

As for Spock, Christine mused how time and distance, though not able to erase the past certainly could make it smudgy. They had not spoken of what transpired between them. At first Christine was ready to make an enormous amount over their near confessed feelings for each other, prepared for the awkward moments, the difficult silences, the impossible to interpret subtle glances. However there had been no moments, conversation had flowed, glances had occurred with no subtext attached. Christine would almost suggest Spock was relaxed, albeit in constant pain due to his injuries. They spoke, of her time at the campus, and recent adventures of The Enterprise. He showed her respectful considerations, in one instance ordering her dinner, comprising of her favourite dishes. Their interactions became lighter, and easier to the point of Christine joking with Spock in a gentle yet probing way.

"So you missed me"

The conversation had flowed from general discussion of her colleagues aboard The Enterprise to a more specific list of people whom might have demonstrated some regret at her leaving.

"Your absence was noted" he responded

"So you missed me," she repeated

"As I have just stated Doctor Chapel, the lack of your presence on board the Enterprise was a source of some difficulties in concentration to certain crew members"

She moved a little closer to Spock, leaning down slightly; in almost a whisper she again stated, "y_ou_ missed_ me_"

Even Spock could see that Christine was unlikely to let the matter drop until she received the response she requested.

"Yes you were missed"

"By you"

"May I remind you Doctor that I am currently under medical supervision due to injuries I have sustained. Repeated questioning I believe cannot be part of any medical regime in relation to supporting my recovery"

She leaned back, grinning widely as she did so. "Fascinating"

She quickly checked the monitors flashing over his head. "Your recovery appears to be coming along quite well, at least well enough for me to indulge in a decent meal, what should I order," she asked rhetorically.

"Perhaps an Italian meal, followed by apple pie, with ice-cream" Spock suggested out loud.

"Your memory amazes me Spock" in such a short time they fallen to an informality that she enjoyed. "Apple pie, is my favourite dessert", she smiled.

"I am aware of that Christine"

"Hmm… it would seem", she was too distracted by finishing the report on his chart to notice his conversation.

Though he had been under medical supervision prior to beaming to Earth, he had been well enough to have a brief, yet incisive conversation with Kirk. In the midst of life saving surgery, and falling in and out of consciousness, Kirk had spoken of the discovery in his room – Christine's journal. He had not questioned his First Officer on how it had come into his possession, nor on the ethics of reading it. He did, however make it clear that if Spock was considering any sort of relationship with Chapel; he would need to be honest with her about his discovery.

Given that their current situation appeared to be moving in a positive direction, Spock analysed all parameters and assessed that now would be the appropriate time to raise the topic.

"Doctor Chapel", he began, "Christine my memory though extremely good is not such that it could remember every meal you ate aboard the ship". She barely raised her eyes from the chart "No of course…." She was not really listening.

"I am aware of your particular dessert preferences due to reading your journal"

"Huh, yep I think I did write about. WHAT!"

"From reading your journal," Spock reiterated

"Excuse me", she noted that the tone of her voice had raised considerably "You READ my journal! … How…what" Christine's temporarily lost her ability to place words together in any sort of coherent way.

"The box you had delivered to my room, within it was your journal – I had not noticed until you had left the Enterprise"

"Right I see, so obviously given I wasn't around that gave you permission to read _MY MOST INTIMATE THOUGHTS!_"

Spock had made the assumption that Christine would respond in an emotional manner, he perhaps had not prepared for the full fury that currently presented in front of him.

"I recognise that it was a betrayal of trust to read the journal, there is no excuse for my actions"

"Don't you dare get humble on me, that's not good enough … why …why would it even cross your mind that it would be ok."

"I did not consider it to be appropriate, in fact I meditated for many hours on my actions with no resolution or calm"

"Right" she turned to leave walking to the door "you cannot even imagine how angry I am at you at the moment" she turned and walked back "I want to strangle you, yell at you, throw things at you" again she went to walk away

"Christine, I cannot …" Spock had attempted to get up from his bed to hold her arm, however injuries stopped him.

"Get back into bed!" she demanded "don't you dare hurt yourself to try and get pity from me"

"Christine, please listen, before you left you said that we did not know each other. Yet I knew enough to understand that I experienced anger when you were with another, and as stated your absence was a source of displeasure to me, I rationalised that reading your journal may explain to me more of the person whom elicited these experiences within me"

She returned to his bed, hands on hips gaining her second wind to berate his action. Suddenly cut short, mid way through inhaling breath by the entrance of the Professor.

"Christine! Excellent you have met Spock"

"W..What?" she stammered

"You have met Spock, I had heard you were being brought to this facility", he looked towards Spock "for recuperation. You are receiving excellent medical support in Doctor Chapel – we are most impressed by her progress"

"You know each other", her voice had dropped, dangerously low. Spock had recollections of the low growl of a wild Sehalt just prior to attack.

"Indeed Sarek and I have communicated over many years, his marriage to Amanda inspired my initial interest in Human Vulcan relations. I have been in communiqué with Spock since that time, particularly since his successful enlistment on board the Enterprise. Only recently we spoke of your placement here and how well your studies were progressing"

Her eyes turned, very slowly to meet with Spock's. Had he been human he would have sunk deep within the bed.

"I am so angry with you at the moment", each world was strongly articulated, each syllable pronounced, "Do not call me, do not speak to me, and do not even assume to look at me."

Silence seeped into the room, broken only by the occasional blip from Spock's heart monitor.

"Apologies Professor I must take my leave" she spun upon her heels and marched out of the door.

The Professor watched her actions with a veiled amusement as he positioned himself beside Spock's bed.

"With respect Sir" Spock turned to the Professor "I do not believe I am currently in a position to have a discussion with you"

"Illogical Spock", the Professor responded, clearly making himself comfortable, placing his cane at the foot of Spock's bed as he settled into the chair "Now is the perfect time".

Obviously not to be dissuaded Spock rested his head against the pillow, had he been human a sigh of resignation would have filtered from his lips.

Three days had passed since her conversation, well on reflection, argument with Spock. Charged with his medical care she had managed to enlist the aid of various nursing staff to feedback any changes to his condition that may have warranted her attention. Given his current rate of recovery, there was little if any likelihood of her requiring attending to him directly.

She lay on her bed, barely dressed in her much loved Star Fleet T-shirt, worn thread bare in places, it gave her little protection in the sense of modesty, but it was comfortable and easy, exactly what she needed at the moment. She wished only to be wrapped in the warmth of predictability and belonging.

Her reading was disturbed by a knock upon the door; initially choosing to ignore it she turned another page. Whoever remained on the other side was persistent – the knock came again.

"_Surely I would have been paged if there was a problem"_ – again a knock

"Go away!" she yelled, "I'm busy"

A fourth time, she grumbled an obscenity under her breath "some people no respect for time of day or place"

She swung the door open to be greeted by Spock, standing or rather leaning in the doorframe. A wheelchair propped against the wall clarified her wave of confusion as to how he had arrived there.

"What are you doing here?" she exclaimed

"Currently attempting not to fall" Spock responded honestly "attending your quarters in a wheelchair did not appear dignified"

"But potentially falling on your arse in front of me, is so much more dignified"

"That had not been my intention"

"Well you need to go back to the ward, people must be looking for you"

"I have been provided with limited medical leave, I advised the staff that I required a consult with my physician. May I come in Christine, I am in some level of discomfort"

"What..oh ..Yes"

She held his arm and guided him toward a chair. A warmth infiltrated her body, through her fingers up her through her hands into her arms. Though weak, he seemed to have enough strength to guide her away from her intended destination to her bed. She would have argued however having a physical fight with a man in a physically compromised position seemed a little unfair.

"I'm still angry with you," she stated softly. It seemed the wrong time to restart the fiery words of three days prior.

"Understood" he responded, looking at her with dark, yet quiet eyes. It was only then that she became aware of her current clothing jumping up with embarrassment.

"I wasn't expecting company"

"Christine" he held his hand out to her, "I have come to speak to you, your attire is not of concern" Still conscious of her state of dress, she resumed sitting beside him.

"I recognised that my actions could have been interpreted as a betrayal of trust"

"_Could _have been? it was a betrayal, you were wrong very wrong, don't even get me started on whatever it is you've been discussing with The Professor"

Spock was obviously in pain, his movements were slower than normal. The caring side of her wanted to hold him, take away his pain. The betrayed side of her wanted to see him suffer just a little bit more.

"I am in an unfamiliar situation", he finally admitted. His words were heavy with consideration. "You have accurately assessed that we do not have a great knowledge of the other, and yet I find myself unsettled when you are not present. This does not seem rational. We are not bonded, yet your absence creates a sense of loss"

She had drawn her knees up to her chest whilst he spoke, holding her arms around them she had placed her head down upon her legs whilst listening to him. She lifted her head slightly to respond.

"So, did violating my private thoughts give you any indication why you might be interested in someone like me?" her voice was not without an edge of spite to it. She understood his intention to apologise; his way about it was less than inspiring.

"In all honesty no…you are highly articulate and certainly some of your descriptions of possible scenarios are very detailed, though not anatomically possible"

Her face flushed a deep crimson, which could not be hidden.

"You read as highly emotional, and at times there appeared to be little to no logic to your actions"

"Ummm…Spock is this meant to endear you to me, because I want to break it to you that as an apology this is really sucky"

"I find it fascinating that in the face of such evidence, I still find myself with a … need to seek you out. There is no logic to this situation"

She remained staring at him, knowing she could sit there for hours without speaking and Spock would not be in any way be perturbed by it.

"You know…" she finally responded "with a situation with no logic, but clear need its likely that love is an aspect, have you considered that?"

"I have read of Love, but as a Vulcan I have little practical knowledge of it"

Both sat, alone in her quarters, on her bed. Close but not touching, not speaking – as if neither was sure what to do next. She lowered her knees, pulling her t-shirt down between her legs. Then lifted her hand to his cheek – he did not move away.

"On the Enterprise, when you kissed me, when we kissed each other I thought I felt something, a glimmer of …, I cant explain it. But there were so many other feelings, dark, to be honest, scary feelings I wasn't sure what it meant"

"At that time you entered part of me, I suppose the human equivalent, if one believes in such things, would be the soul. Within me are two worlds where I must maintain a balance. It can be exhausting – you perhaps saw the … struggle"

"And the hope…"

Her eyes had remained on his, locked, blue lost in black. Lost so deeply that no search party could locate her.

She moved forward, instinctively. Her lips barely touching his, waiting for permission to go further. He remained still, he did not move from her. She raised herself up on her knees to lean closer, her lips a littler firmer upon his, rubbing her hands on the back of his neck.

Becoming bolder she caressed his lips with her tongue, entering just within enjoying the taste of his mouth with hers. At this he responded, opening to her, appearing to revel in her entry of him. Their tongues moved deeper within the other, falling together. She felt herself being pushed down, firmly but with a sense of command she was willing to follow. His hand lifting the flimsy shirt to run across her hip and stomach as they continued to discover the other.

She moved one leg to allow him closer to her, his actions becoming increasingly forceful and directed.

She sensed his confusion, his fear wrapped in a lust embedded in an overwhelming sense of belonging. _She could die now and be happy_ "I would not experience joy at your loss," he whispered in her ear.

Her eyes widened as her mouth continued to move over his wonderfully warm skin "Do not read my mind", she murmured back "you are not quite forgiven yet"

Her head was now nearly to the pillow, her body almost completely under his. He shifted his position to accommodate her.

"Ow!" her back arched with a sudden sharp pain to her side.

"Christine" he looked at her worriedly

"Ouch.. What was that?"

She looked to her side, there was nothing that could have hurt her, and then realization hit her. "Its you" she exclaimed, still under him. "I felt your pain. Oh for goodness sake" she admonished herself "I am meant to be looking after you and you are in pain. Off me now, back to bed – you need to rest not to … not to…well you know what you are not meant to do"

"I can assure you that I am able to manage any pain that I may experience".

"Maybe, but I'm not and for whatever reason I appear to be experiencing whatever you are…" her eyes partially closed as she looked up at him. "Did you bond with me without my knowledge mister?"

"Christine, such an idea is abhorrent"

"It was a joke Spock, lighten up – you are currently lying on top of your attending physician, there is humour in this situation. Now sit up and lets get you back to bed"

"I am in a bed Christine"

"Lets get you back to a medical bed, in a medical facility where medical attention can be given to you. By the way is this going to happen often, that is am I going to feel when you are hurt?" she queried.

"If we continue in his manner", he again lowered his lips to hers, kissing her deeply. Though intellectually she was aware that it was wrong in his current condition, she allowed her purely emotional side to respond by raising her body to meet with his, wrapping one leg around to support his waist as he pushed harder against her.

"Then yes", he raised his head "it may be an after effect that you will feel strong responses from me, and vice versa".

"Great" she mumbled. She took a deep breath and uttered the words she did not believe she would ever need to say "Spock stop kissing me and get off me, I need to wheel you back to where you belong"

Spock lifted himself to a sitting position, grimacing slightly.

"Yes Doctor".


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Christine uncurled like a contented cat upon the couch. A genius, some years ago, had decided that placing indoor furniture into the garden area of campus would develop an environment to decrease stress levels of students, _how right they were _she purred to herself.

Stretching to the full length of the seat her top lifted partially to expose her stomach. The sun spilled onto her skin, warming her from her bones out towards her flesh.

The past weeks had been like a dream. A time caught in a cloud disconnected from reality.

Spock's recovery had been slightly slower than expected. Even with the delay it felt too soon for him to be contacted by Kirk to arrange for his return to duty. Tomorrow he would resume his position by the Captain's side, and she would stay on Earth.

There had been no more interludes in her room, professionalism had finally won out over her romantic indulgences. Which is not to say that there had not been a shift in the dynamic one-which had had glimpses of potential perfection. Always the potential, never the realisation, a small tear formed in the corner of her eye, quickly wiped away.

As she shifted her position to sleep a little longer, a chill was cast over her body. Turning her head, whilst shielding her eyes from the suns rays a silhouetted figure stood before her, she smiled. She did not need to see his face to know who it was.

"Hello Mr Spock"

"Doctor Chapel"

"Care to join me on the couch?" Spock continued to stand, hands positioned behind his back. "Or alternatively take a chair", she waved her hand beside her.

"A chair will be adequate at this time"

She swung her legs to the side to be able to face him. Arms on each leg she leant forward to better observe his movements.

"Its remarkable, there is no discernible difficulty with your actions. I know I know medicine, but after the hell your body has been through it still amazes me that there is hardly any signs of what the avalanche put you through"

"Perhaps it is a reflection of the quality of the medical treatment I received at this facility"

"Perhaps", her grin nearly consumed her face.

"I have come to request your company at dinner. The Captain has confirmed my return to the Enterprise by 0600 tomorrow"

Her grin faded slightly "Oh, I knew it would be early I didn't think it would be quite that early…"changing tact she quickly asked "will Leonard be beaming down?"

"It is unlikely that he will have time to accommodate a meeting, and given the previous interaction with teaching staff on these grounds, it is likely that the Captain has recommended against it"

Her smile returned at the thought of his last visit to the hospital "Dinner would be lovely Spock, it would give us a chance to .." she paused

"Indeed" the silence between them now was more a reflection of mutual calm, rather than awkward disturbance. Sitting in the sun, neither spoke absorbing the moment, the smallest finger on each of their hands barely touching.

A small child, peering at them from the corner of the garden, broke the moment.

"It appears we have an admirer"

Christine looked around at the girl and encouraged her forward. Christine knew her as the daughter of one of the attending lecturers.

"How are you Madeleine?"

"I am good Doctor Chapel how are you?".

Madeleine was very polite. She had been raised on campus as such had much to do with visiting medical staff and dignitaries.

"I am good too" Christine responded, the girl looked from Christine up to Spock, who had sat silently through the interaction, and back to Christine. She bit her bottom lip as if holding back something she wished to say.

"Is there something you want to tell us?", Christine asked gently

"Mummy said I shouldn't bother the Doctors"

"Its alright", Christine said "I give you permission to bother us"

Madeleine continued to stand before them, appearing to consider her words. She then looked directly at Spock. "His eyes smile when he looks at you" she giggled "its nice". With that she ran from their side back into the garden.

Christine sat slightly open mouthed "well.. bless the imagination of children" she said as she watched her disappear into the trees surrounding the grounds.

"And their willingness to express truth without censure" Spock responded.

-000-

Christine sat at her desk, quietly drawing meaningless circles on the pages of her lecture notes. There was no intention to her actions, just slowly dragging herself deeper into her private thoughts.

She had walked away from Spock, she had made a conscious decision to say goodbye to the ache that accompanied her interactions with him. A strength had grown in her the further she had pulled from him, then he had kissed her. With that one act he had brought her back. Then he had kissed her again, and, she suspected, would not be beyond a third attempt if she allowed it. She realised clearly that a third time could end any status quo she hoped to maintain in relation to the current situation. With that thought she threw the pen onto the desk, watching it roll onto the floor.

She was under two years from graduating as a fully qualified doctor – fast tracked due to previous experience and clear focus. The last year of her study could be conducted aboard a star ship, or medical facility on another planet, under guidance of an agreed Doctor. Had she thought of forwarding a request to Captain Kirk, one year under McCoy, in Spock's world. Of course it had crossed her mind, more than once and almost hourly as the days had come closer to Spock leaving. Would she just be recreating the hell she had escaped from by transferring to Earth.

"_No_" she thought "_it would be different, things are changed between us…better?_" she could not answer her own question. Was what she had better than before? The only fact she could clearly state was that now the situation seemed increasingly unstable. Ironic, the chaos of her previous feelings had been predictable, as she had only had her own chaos to manage. Now there was Spock, with his trepidatious attempts into the world of wanting.

A knock brought her out of her doubts.

"Coming" she yelled

Spock was standing in the doorway, dressed in black. It was his final night in civilian clothes before returning to the Enterprise. Her breath caught sharply in her throat at the sight of him. There was a masculinity that purely ebbed from his person, contained by a sense of almost regal calm.

"You look… umm lovely" she managed to get the words out.

" I had intended to wear the Enterprise uniform, however considered you may prefer more casual attire"

"Good presumption", she smiled, "very very good presumption"

Grabbing her bag she went to leave, Spock remained standing at the door.

"Spock, come on. We have reservations and I hate being late"

"Christine you have forgotten your coat"

"My coat? Spock its 104 outside I'm not going to be wearing a coat"

Spock remained standing. Christine turned back, she had seen him face the most scary situations, life and death moments of no return. She had not, however often see him falter at a door in relation to clothing.

He continued to look at her, in her flowing blue, low cut halter-necked dress, cut into her waist. Two students walked past, clearly appreciating Christine's new attire, one ran directly into Spock as he turned to gain a greater view of Christine's near perfect naked back.

"Ah oh sorry Sir", Spock acknowledged the student with a raised eyebrow. Christine had a flashback to a similar situation aboard the Enterprise, at that time Spock had radiated an anger that had disturbed her. It was subtler now, but she could sense under her skin his annoyance at the young man's attention to her.

"Mr Spock", she stated firmly "I wish to eat, you can choose to remain standing in the hallway, or you can accompany me – either way I am leaving"

She started to walk away towards the exit, when a circle of warmth was felt against her back. He had chosen to follow her and make no more comment, however he now stood with his hand firmly upon the small of her back. It would be very clear to any pending admirers that attention towards Christine this evening would not be tolerated unless it was from the man who stood beside her.

-000—

The meal, the music, the two small candles flickering against the night sky all combined to create a swirl of convivial conversation.

Questions had raised themselves in Christine's mind throughout the evening, though the ambience of the night had dissuaded her pursuing them, the ambience and perhaps some element of fear of the responses.

Returning to her room, Spock waited at the door as Christine walked in.

"Spock, its ok – come in"

Spock moved inside and took a seat near the small table she had been using to study on. She excused herself briefly to go to the bathroom. Looking at herself in the mirror she spoke softly to her reflection.

"_Its now or never, set your boundaries clarify your expectations and then…"_ groan…. "_And then" _

She untied her hair and splashed water onto her face before returning. Spock was still seated, appearing nonplussed by her slowly emerging anxiety.

"Tea?"

"No Christine, I am not thirsty, however I believe it would be appropriate to use this time to discuss this current situation"

Christine moved to her bed, sitting crossed legged in her gown as she positioned herself opposite him.

"What exactly is our current situation Spock?"

"Ill defined, at this time"

"To say the least", she paused "Spock – it is said that all good things must end, and this has been good"

"Do you wish this to end Christine?"

"No, yes I don't know. I want this to be defined. On the Enterprise you told me that we, that you couldn't do this. It was really hard, but I accepted that. Well believed I had accepted it. Now you are here, and it seems …."

"This is not the Enterprise"

"No its not, its also not reality"

Spock stood and moved to sit next to Christine. She was unsure of his intention, as such was reluctant to move closer to him. This was a where she had to draw a line, for risk of her sanity.

"You have done a lot of bad things Spock, ignored me, rebuked me, and betrayed me with my own journal. Yet you claim all these things were to protect me, or understand me" she paused "I think you have been trying to protect yourself, understand yourself. I don't know if I can be a trial point any more, I know I deserve better than that"

Spock was silent, clearly considering his next words.

"It would be easier if you were not human". There he had said it, the words she had known were within him, however had never wanted to hear.

"That doesn't make sense", she responded. She had thought what she would say in this situation. "Your Father married a Human"

"My Father had been married to a Vulcan prior to my Mother, but it is not the bonding between Human and Vulcan that creates an unresolvable situation"

"Then what Spock, what could stand in the way of a future toge…._children?" _the last word was almost whispered.

His head slowly lowered, raising his shirt slightly to the side he showed her a small scar. It was barely noticeable, but had clearly once been deep. Chapel's brow furrowed with confusion.

"I've seen your scars before Spock"

"Yes, but are you aware of the origin of all".

Chapel shook her head, she had assumed that they were all were due to skirmishes during his time in Starfleet.

Spock turned his head towards her. His eyes were hypnotic, she felt she could not move, even if the desire to do so had come across her.

"As a child I was a ….curiosity to the others. My parents being of both Human and Vulcan race. After an evening class I was meditating in the yard. Six Vulcan youth's approached me and held me to the ground. As an agreed action between the six to resolve a scientific debate I was cut across my side so that I would bleed"

Christine's hand went to her mouth

"Their dispute had been over the colour of my blood, given my Mother's species. I , of course, bled green – the matter reached resolution, I was then allowed to leave".

Spock's eyes had left hers as his memories drifted back to a time when he was not the First Officer of the Starship Enterprise, rather just a scared little boy trying to belong in his own world.

Christine quietly asked "how old were you Spock?", his attention returned to her "I was five years old Christine, and yet this scar still remains, the cut, I assume was made more deeply than I had thought".

"Your parents?"

"I did not tell them – the wound was manageable, and I could not argue the logic of the children's decision at the time, I may well have done the same if the situation had been different" He moved his hand to her cheek and spoke into her "I believe you will want children, that you should have children. But to father a child Human and Vulcan would potentially expose the child to harm. If I can avoid this potential suffering then surely I must choose the logical path"

Christine was horrified at what the children had done to Spock, she was also angry that a species that claimed such enlightened views would create such a fear in one of its own that the denial of love was the only path he could see.

She leant across and down his body to gently kiss the scar with her lips. She felt Spock's body tense under her touch, then relax as she moved her cheek to rest against him, his hand moving to her hair.

"Don't leave tonight Spock", she whispered. "Stay with me, until its time to go"

She could feel his hands reach to release the clasp of her dress, slowly he removed the straps from her neck. She turned and lifted his shirt to reveal the rest of his body.

Moving closer to hold him she whispered "it does not have to be that way, I can protect you, I am strong enough for that and for … for any outcome of us being together. I can make decisions about what I want from this life, that doesn't have to be your responsibility" turning to kiss the side of his neck, his body relaxed into hers. She held him for comfort not for desire. Together entwined they curled upon the bed.

She ran her finger over his cheek, down across his lips, looking into deep eyes – supple skin against hers, skin that her heart could almost feel. Their lips almost touching yet not, close enough for the heat of their bodies to merge into the other.

"I have let this go too far" She thought it was Spock that spoke, or perhaps it was her own mind trying to argue with her heart. Their two worlds were becoming increasingly hard to distinguish as the evening melted into the morning.

She could have left it at that, vague grey boundaries, yet that seemed wrong. The honesty between them at this moment was the strongest she had ever felt. She had to be as honest with herself, and so too to him.

"I cannot offer you forever Spock", regretfully she spoke the words "But I will offer you until my graduation. I believe that this can work, that we can make this work – but you need to believe it as well. So I give you that time, but no more"

Spock lowered his forehead to rest against hers, his thoughts, desires, wishes, fears briefly filled her. Followed by feelings of humble gratitude and respect.

"I wish this", his lips were warm upon hers "to be the truth that I can accept. I will devote myself to the time you have granted me to meditate on this. I make this contract with you – not to be broken. With respect, with …love.. we will have resolution"

-000-

Spock sat quietly opposite Kirk, surveying the chessboard with calm precision. Kirk couldn't help but smile it had been a few months since his return to duties. Whatever had happened on earth appeared to have had a generally positive effect .

He had approached the subject intermittently with Spock , though Spock had not disclosed full details Kirk was aware of enough to know that he and Chapel had somehow moved in relation to their situation. He was unclear if it was forward or back, he was assured in his own self that there was definitely movement.

McCoy of course was taking full responsibility for Spock's improved mood. Walking around like an expectant father every time the topic was raised.

Uhura sat near the two officers, viewing a number of routine reports being channelled through from Starfleet Command. Chapel's name was mentioned, with a query raised as to her graduation. To Kirk' surprise Spock responded without lifting his head from the chessboard.

"Doctor Chapel will graduate in 545 days"

McCoy had been settling himself next to Kirk when he heard the comment.

"That's very exact Spock", McCoy turned to Kirk and winked.

"I am a Vulcan Doctor, at which point did you not expect me to be exact"

"Of course Spock, I always expect you to be exact, particularly about important events" Spock raised a characteristic eyebrow.

Kirk gave McCoy a kick under the table, resuming his game.

"I just hope she is looking after herself", joined in Uhura.

"I'm sure she's fine, not much can happen on a medical campus", Kirk replied.

"Oh Captain, haven't you heard, she requested to assist on Infernaum 5. There was an outbreak of some sort of, I don't know she described it a bit like a Bubonic Plague, I didn't quite understand all the details when Chris contacted me. A request was put out to medical students, particularly with knowledge of biochemistry, to go as part of a neutral team of medics. Given the political nature of the planet it was not seen as appropriate to direct anyone, it had to be volunteers"

McCoy turned accusatorily to Spock "did you know about this?"

Spock remained looking towards the board "Doctor Chapel did provide information in relation to her intention. Given her background in biochemical research, combined with her medical experience it appeared a logical, albeit hasty decision".

"_Infernus_ is a war zone Spock!"

"_Was_ a war zone", Kirk corrected "the situation has been settled for a number of months now"

"Months" McCoy grumbled into his coffee "I swear Spock, if I find out you encouraged Chris on this mission…" his voice trailed off

Infernaum 5 was a sensitive topic within the Federation. Colloquially referred to as Infernus (_Hell_). The trajectory of the planet's orbit brought it into Federation space for only six months of each year. Outside of that time it veered just outside the Federation's influence. The locals were fiercely divided on how much involvement Starfleet should have in the domestic policies of the planet. What remained a grey area of diplomatic discussion, led to very clear and bloody wars between the inhabitants.

Uhura had been quiet during the last part of the conversation, obviously distracted by the stream of communications being submitted to her console.

Ensign Carter was sitting at a small distance from Uhura, interested in the reports coming through.

"Maybe not months", her voice was very quiet.

Her sudden drop in tone prompted Kirk's attention.

"Starfleet Command has just advised that there has been an uprising on the planet earlier than expected" she spoke inwardly "All ships in the area are being asked to leave the area. It appears that the planet is moving away. At the moment it remains just inside Federation space, but only for another week. There has been a decision to allow the inhabitants to manage the conflict. There is to be no involvement by any Federation members"

The table was silenced whilst private thoughts ran through the heads of those assembled. Considerations were shattered by a voice from the end of the table.

"Doctor Chapel is in the middle of a war!, to hell with Starfleet" Carter exclaimed "we have to do something"

"Ensign", Kirk voice was firm and controlled "that will be enough. Starfleet has recommended the withdrawal of all ships from the area. The situation requires cool heads and calm actions" Carter was silenced.

Kirk could manage Carter with little more than a commanding voice, glancing at Spock, sitting with clenched fists and stoic face, he realised controlling his First Officer may be a whole different matter.

-000-

With respectful nods to:

"_The Graduate"_

"_Shore Leave" – Star Trek Original Series_

_Oh Susanna – "Oh Kate"_

_Star Trek 2009 for a the possibility of Spock's past. Or perhaps a fanfiction I read somewhere - the idea came from somewhere, just cant pinpoint where. To whoever is responsible - thankyou_

_I have a genuine love of ST, though mostly derived from memories of watching years ago. As such my knowledge of canon / timelines etc.. leaves something to be desired. Hope I haven't offended too much with lack of depth_


	7. Chapter 7

_**Please note this chapter is rated M for violence and implied no- consensual sexual activity. I have been unsure how to change the rating in the summary guide. **_

"Why should we risk our necks for some nurse, who no-one even remembers?"

"How can we just leave knowing people need our help? that's not why I joined Starfleet"

"Its not our war"

"I don't even know what the war is about"

"I don't want to catch whatever it is that's down, haven't you heard there's a plague, or get shot by some crazy"

"Why did you bother to join up, you want to just sit around go back to Earth"

Kirk had heard every argument for and against, silencing at least four disputes in the short walk from the mess to the briefing room. His crew was divided, decisions needed to be made and soon before a rift developed beyond repair.

_Who knew tension had a taste_, Kirk thought, clearing his throat before addressing the occupants of the room to speak. Spock and McCoy were sitting opposite each other across the table. McCoy was clearly irritable, Spock outwardly calm sitting with fingers steeped before him.

He had asked both men to the briefing room, allowing each an opportunity to express their opinions away from the crew.

"Bones", he turned ready for the barrage of emotional rants.

"I don't even know why you are bothering talking about this, its Chris, she's in trouble"

"She's in trouble in a no go zone, and she isn't even a member of the crew" he turned to face his First Officer "Spock" he paused, unsure how to ask the next question "Can you tell me that she is alive, can you tell me where she is?"

Spock lifted his eyes from the tips of his fingers to look across at the Captain. He understood his question very clearly.

"Captain, I am able to advise that Doctor Chapel is alive, though her exact whereabouts are unknown"

"What?" McCoy responded, looking from the Captain to Spock "you _know_ she's alive, I mean I want to believe it, but there is the fighting and reports of….oh …. You _know_ she's alive…"

Realization washed over McCoy, the meaning behind Spock's words became clear. "I didn't realize … I mean I knew you had both become close"

Spock breathed inward deeply before making his next statement. Discussing personal matters was not an action he participated in, though expanding his current statement was a logical necessity in relation to supporting the Captain's argument for rescue.

"Doctor Chapel and I, over recent months have become closer, however have not bonded". It was the answer to the question that neither McCoy nor Kirk had felt able to ask. "As such, I am unable to provide information as to her location, even my knowledge of her current wellbeing is vague. Though I am sure that she is alive, but in pain"

"Well that seals it" McCoy slapped his hands together, "we get down there, grab her, and beam her home"

"Bones, the planet is at war, people are dying and we have very little reason to legitimately be there"

"We have Chris, alone on that God forsaken planet, and hurt, that's a damn good reason"

All fell silent, caught in their own private thoughts. Uhura's voice broke the moment with a request for the Captain.

"Captain Starfleet are contacting, urgent on the security channel"

"Patch through Lieutenant"

A message displayed in front of Kirk, or more correctly a directive was displayed from Starfleet Command.

"It appears that matter may be out of our hands gentleman" Kirk looked up from the console. "Doctor Chapel has made some very influential associates on Earth. We are to remain for the last three days of orbit in an attempt to locate and rescue the volunteers from Earth. Dr Chapel is noted by name as a priority"

"Well someone is thinking right" McCoy clasped his hands "Lets go get our girl"

Kirk turned to Spock "Do you know anything about this? It has a feel of diplomatic intervention"

"I have made no contact with my Father, _if _Captain, that is what you are implying. I am aware, however that Doctor Chapel had developed an acquaintance with a Vulcan representative on the campus with long standing ties with the Vulcan Embassy. It is possible that he may have used some level of influence to intervene – I have not been privy to this information"

Kirk held his chin in his hand as differing scenarios ran through his head. "The records show the hospital where the volunteers were based – it's likely to have been taken already by the rebels. We also have to consider the contagion currently on the planet. McCoy – you have two hours to try an pull up any information in relation to the current medical status of the planet – if we are going down there I would prefer not expose my crew to the infection running rampant at the moment"

McCoy had already moved towards the door as Kirk finished talking.

"Spock can you attempt to ascertain the current location of the group? If we are to beam down we will only have limited opportunity to locate and rescue. No one is going to want us there, its likely to be hostile on all fronts"

"Hospital records indicate the laboratory where Doctor Chapel was assigned, given her nature it is likely that a majority of her time would be either in or near that vicinity. I have already studied recent reports from the planet's surface; there have been no recorded mass migration of persons. Information indicates disputes on the city outskirts, unfortunately the hospital is located near a known rebel posting. On this information I would surmise that Doctor Chapel and the other volunteers remain either in or very close to the hospital. I would suggest Mr. Scott calibrate the co-ordinates of the laboratory" He took a moment, briefly closing his eyes.

"Given that I can …feel that she is in pain, from this distance, I believe that once within the hospital I will be able to pinpoint her location", his voiced lowered as he turned to face the Captain "her pain increases with each hour, this also heightens my sense of her whereabouts"

Kirk wanted to lean forward, place a comforting hand on Spock's shoulder. He didn't move, choosing to sit and wait for his First Officer to initiate discussion.

Spock acknowledged his Captain, with a slightly tilted head and stood to leave.

"Spock," he paused unsure as to how to phrase the next few words "we will aim to find her and bring her back, but I will not risk my crew or my First Officer" he again thought then added "the needs of the many…."

Spock cut off the Captains sentence with a simple "Understood"

-o0o-

Christine was tied tightly to a heavy wooden beam, fixed to either side of the wall. Her uniform, still in place, just. Being dragged from the lab had torn most of the material, not only from her flesh but also into it.

The stench of his breath so close her to face caused bile to rise in her throat.

"Mmmmm….the doctor is looking particularly nice this evening"

The man before her was dressed in simple clothes, with some sort of military insignia affixed to the sleeve. His actual rank was unclear, however his authority was not. It was clear to her that he controlled the current situation, and the people around him. The people around called him "Commander"

Four men stood to either side of the room, two women were also present, all were carrying guns, primitive pieces of machinery that ripped through flesh, leaving trails of blood behind. It had been a long time since Christine had seen the damage a gun of this style could do – lulled into the calm precision of phasers. She had seen enough over the past three days to recognize that this was nothing like the wars she had seen before. This was brutal and savage with no diplomatic shade of grey to protect the undecided.

"Don't you agree?", he turned to those in the room. "I think we have found ourselves a most agreeable medic to assist our needs. My people have been fighting, you will assist in treating their injuries" She stared at him angrily.

"You will assist or you will no longer be required", a cold smile split his face in two.

She felt something hard against her leg, moving upward from her knee towards her inner thigh. Turning her head to look down she could see the metallic glint of a knife. He was holding it against her, pushing just enough into her skin to leave a feint trail of broken flesh.

"Very very nice", he licked his lips

"Get away from me", her words were forced through pursed lips.

"Now Doctor, even in times of war we like to keep our manners", grabbing her chin with his large, rough hands he twisted her face towards him. Raising the knife with his free hand he ran it down her cheek. "Surely civility is not beyond you"

She responded, perhaps stupidly by spitting directly into the eyes of her captor.

The slap was expected; the sharpness of the sting across her cheek, and the stomach churning pain following it was not.

"Do not forget you place, _Doctor _! You are the intruder here. How long you remain will be my decision", he leaned forward whispering into her ear "I can make this time either more or **less** agreeable", he emphasized his words.

She licked the inside of her cheek the blood was fresh. Reaching her tongue onto her lip, she could feel a fresh cut across it.

As much as it hurt her neck to look around, she twisted to continue to survey the room. Guards remained throughout. Christine's eyes had become more accustomed to the dim light, she could vaguely see the outline of what could be a body near the corner.

The hospital had been taken at around two am in the morning. Minimal staff had been on duty with limited security. She had stayed working back in an attempt to isolate the contagion components. What had initially been considered a manageable outbreak on arrival had quickly turned into a more sinister mutation. The disease had not responded to traditional methods of intervention. The volunteers had secured enough knowledge to produce an interim vaccine, time limited but effective. She had directed the volunteers to inject themselves prior to the hospital being invaded.

"Damn!" a sharp voice shattered her thoughts; she tried to make out the face of the guard talking.

Off to her left he stood, rubbing his hand. "Who would think a hospital would have fleas", he grumbled. "Here have a look at this", turning he showed his hand.

"Flea bites don't look like that".

"You two – desist. I do not need your chattering in my ears" The Commander turned back to face Christine. The guards continued to stand uneasily looking at their hands.

"Commander your people are sick. I know the symptoms; it's why I am here. It starts with small stinging sores, and progresses quickly. I think I can help, but I need access to the medical team who were with me and the lab"

"The medical team is sorely depleted, after some …. Discussions were held with which I did not agree" in her wounded state it took a few moments for her to fully comprehend the words he stated…"depleted?"

"I believe that may be one of your colleagues in the corner", with an inappropriately casual nod he indicated the body that Christine has previously noted.

"Bequari?"

"That may have been the name he uttered, just as, well just as he died actually"

"Why?" she shouted, unable to restrain herself "We came to help, we wanted to help"

"You came as spies for the Federation, do not think that we are so foolish as to not know what is really going on"

"You're crazy! Your people are infected. The signs have started; there is less than four days before the vaccine is useless. I have a vaccine, I can help"

"You try to scare my people! The disease is propaganda, created to try and control us" his voice had risen to almost a scream, spit spattered from his lips onto the floor. "Besides, Christine Chapel of the Starship Enterprise", his voice now lowered as her eyes opened in surprise." Yes we are aware of who you are, our intelligence is sophisticated, though there are those who would deny this – no member of such a ship would ever help us willingly. The Enterprise is the whore of the Federation, those who fly in it mindless minions to the evil that tries to take our planet"

Her mind tried to resist thinking of the Enterprise, Kirk, Leonard…Spock. A single tear escaped her eye as thoughts of Spock filtered into her mind.

"So maybe the Doctor can be broken", the Commander laughed in a cruel manner. "I was beginning to think you unbreakable, but this sign of weakness", he lifted his finger to wipe away her tear "is a sign of hope to me. You _**will**_ serve us well

His hand moved down her face, her neck across her chest. Her uniform had been torn. He held the material between his fingers, rubbing it slightly, then ripping it wide.

She fought against her restraints, cutting them into her skin.

His hands continued over her bra, following the line of her breast "To the victor comes the spoils", grinning broadly he pushed against her forcing his tongue inside her mouth. The beam pressed against her back, causing a shot of pain to fire through her.

"Stop", she twisted her face away from him, his breath was in her mouth, her nose. She wanted to vomit.

"No Christine, you said you wanted to help. This will help" Leaning across her his hands roughly removed one of her restraints. Holding her tightly by the wrist he pulled her across the beam so that she now faced the floor, the beam embedded in her stomach. Splintered wood pierced her flesh with each move he made. His hand was firmly on the back of her head, holding her down. She wanted to cry but this was beyond tears.

With an angry force he spread her thighs with his knee, pulling at the remnants of her uniform, exposing her body not only to this animal on top of her, but those around her.

She turned to make eye contact with the other guards; "Please" she pleaded, "please stop…" They continued to stare at her, some moved closer – but not with the intention of assisting, others turned away, none intervened.

"Please" she sobbed, "Please stop"

His weight was so heavy on her, causing her body to crush into the wood. No escape, she tightly closed her eyes and tried to will her mind away from where she was.

So heavy, and he hurt her so much – her mind was screaming.

-o0o-

McCoy stood frozen, the sight before him was beyond comprehension. They were in darkness, Christine screaming, a man leaning over her, holding her down.

Pushed aside by Spock running past him McCoy stumbled back into reality.

Spock flung the body of her captor across the room; the man fell crumpled to the ground.

She lost consciousness, sometime during the Commander's assault. She awoke to realize the weight was gone, hands were on her, but they were gentle in their direction. _Releasing her hands? _ Her eyes opened. McCoy was there, standing over her, wrapping a jacket around her, covering her, protecting her.

Noise

Guns

Phasers

Screaming

Confusion

McCoy was helping her up, trying to help her stand. She spun catching a glimpse of blue. Spock! she saw him, tried to go to him. Something was wrong – the scene did not make sense.

Spock was over a man, the man who had tried to attack her; Spock was over _**the **_man and was beating him with unceasing violence.

-o0o-

"Spock NO !" the scream cut across the room "Captain, Jim stop him, please"

Kirk spun around, Spock was over her captor, gone was the controlled disciplined Vulcan. The man before him was a creature enraged. His fist was lifted high, then plummeting down to smash against the captor's face, and then lifted to repeat. Spock would kill this man, Spock would rip this man from limb to limb, destroy all that he was. And within that act, Spock would destroy himself.

"Bones get Chris out of here"; he lunged at Spock, who swung around at the sound of his approach throwing Kirk across the room.

"Leave Me," he snarled at his Captain. Kirk had seen this look once before, on Vulcan at a time when Spock at lost all control, all sense of his self.

"Spock we have to go. Spock I command you!"

He turned again, still holding the captive by the neck

"I said LEAVE ME" the menace in his voice created a chill down Kirk's spine.

McCoy held Christine by the arms, trying to pull her away "He'll kill him", she yelled at McCoy "Len, I can't go, he can't be allowed to do this"

She twisted her hand to be released from his grasp. Running towards Spock she threw herself over the man's body, attempting to shield it from Spock's fury. His fist landed upon her shoulder, barely missing her head. She yelled, he paused – confused.

"Spock No!" tears streamed down her face, pain streaked up her limbs, fear exploded in every part of her body.

He stood over her, his eyes glazed, black, and unseeing unfeeling.

"You would save this man?" his voice rasped

"I would save you"

Acknowledgement seeped into his eyes, followed quickly by a sickening horror. Raising his hands to his face, all that he could see was red blood staining his skin.

"What have I done?" whispered tones reached her ears, as she attempted to stand to face him

"You protected me"

"In doing so I have lost all control, I have lost...". His hands hung at either side of his body, limp. He had lost all will to move, so overwhelmed by the moment. Christine painfully managed to stand, attempting to take each hand in her own. What should have been a simple action caused her insurmountable difficulties; she fell to one side, Spock instinctively grabbing her.

Looking up into his face, just prior to her mind closing to the pain, she hoped to see the warmth of previous encounters. All she saw was darkness swamping his eyes – hard and distant. Her last thought "_he blames me_" caused her stomach to constrict as consciousness left her.

Lifting her into his arms, Spock moved to stand beside the Captain.

"Spock I can take her", Kirk noted his shaking body. Spock's grip closed around Christine. She would not be taken from his arms. Spock seemed transfixed to her shoulder, a deep blue bruise had started to swamp the skin.

"Four to beam up"


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

The breeze was gentle against her face, Spock sitting smiling reading a small earth text beside her. Children were laughing, their voices dancing on the afternoon air. All was so perfect. Too perfect, too perfect, _too perfect …._

Pain in her side, sharp, deep in her mind she screamed for help, in her bed she lay in silence.

Spock stood at the doorway. For the fifth day straight his routine had been the same. Immediately after completion of his shift he made his way to the sickbay, where he would stand, in silence, watching McCoy attend to Christine. His vigil was constant yet constrained with a distance he kept that McCoy could not fathom. On more than one occasion he had asked Spock into the room, to sit closer. Spock had declined, yet remained standing in the doorway. It was starting to become irritating.

"I tell you Jim, he just stands there"

"I think he's worried, not only about Chris, but about the whole situation down on the planet"

"Worried! He was out of control down there. I haven't seen that sort of reaction since Vulcan, remember how messed up he was after that"

"Exactly Bones, he lost control and I think its got him scared. He obviously cares about Chris, more than I realized, more than probably he realized"

"Right, so what you think he blames her for losing it down there? Somehow its her fault he reacted like a man possessed"

Kirk rubbed his temples "who knows, there's no logic to blaming her"

"Logic! Humph logic went out the window when he decided to beat that guy to a pulp" McCoy took a large gulp of whiskey to settle his mood, one that had become increasingly frayed as the days had continued. Christine remained in a coma, though no clear medical reason could be found for her state.

"Spock spends every waking moment trying to control his actions, thought and responses. Sometimes he lets his guard down, but its rare, and contained. There was no guard this time, whatever it is that he has with Chris, his control seems to have gone with it"

"Well all I know is that Chris needs something or someone to drag her back from wherever she has taken herself. I've tried; I've had Uhura down there, Carter and some others, nothing. I ask Spock in and he just stands there" he placed his elbows onto the table, chin in hands as he leant into Kirk "Look I'm not a psychiatrist, but I would argue he is the only one who is going to get through"

"Ill talk to him, maybe he'll listen, but Bones, this is more than just Spock being stubborn, this has shaken him to the core, its going to take more than a conversation to get him back"

"Well if we don't do something we lose both of them, and I'm not willing to do that" McCoy leaned back into his chair, clearly contemplating his next course of action.

-0000-

Spock was sitting alone in the Mess hall, not only alone but also deliberately well away from any crew. Kirk was a little surprised to see him, the past few days he had eaten in his quarters. He made his way to Spock's table, sitting without requesting permission.

"Captain?"

"Spock, time to talk"

"Captain I have forwarded the appropriate forms for my removal from position"

"What!"

"For my actions on Infernus, I disregarded orders from my commanding officer, I.."He paused and briefly lowered his eyes "assaulted my commanding offer, I.."

"Yes Spock, I'm aware of the litany of sins that you amassed on the planet – none of which are going to lead to you resigning" Spock open his mouth, Kirk quickly silenced him with a raised hand. "I'm not saying that we don't have to have a serious discussion about things, diplomatic bandaging to undertake, but it will need to wait. Bones spoke to me about Chris"

"Captain I really do not think that this discussion…"

"Is necessary? Well I think it is he said you have been down there for the past few days, you are obviously concerned. She needs you Spock, for all that has gone on she needs you"

Spock was silent, considering his response. "I am aware that given the", he paused then continued "relationship that has been established between Doctor Chapel and myself there may be some medical benefit to my presence" he inhaled deeply "however after my actions on the planet I do not believe that it would be appropriate for me to have continued contact"

"Really Spock, and is this for Chris' sake or your own?"

"An honest answer Jim?" he stared directly at the Captain "I am unsure"

Kirk was about to respond when he was interrupted by McCoy literally storming across the floor of the Mess hall towards them.

"I suggest you think of another answer Spock, cause Bones is not going to accept the one you just gave"

"SPOCK!"

McCoy's raised voice caused several heads to lift from their meals, and turn to the men in the corner of the room.

"What the hell are you doing here, get yourself down to sickbay now and do something, anything"

"Doctor McCoy I am not medical personnel I am unsure as to what I could assist with"

"I swear you damned pointy eared … I will personally drag you in there myself. Chris is lying there, she needs you, and it's not a medical matter anymore. She needs a reason to come back and damn her for some unknown reason I would lay money on that that reason being you …. And don't you dare say that that is not logical or I will hurt you" he briefly took a breath then continued "I've had enough of you hanging around the doorway – you are coming with me now and we are going to sort this out"

Spock looked to the Captain and then to Doctor McCoy

"I will attend the sick bay Doctor, though again I state that I am not convinced that I will enact any form of change in Doctor Chapel's condition."

"Whatever Spock, sort out your demons on your own time, I need Chris back on her feet and if you is what it takes then so be it"

Spock lifted his glass to his mouth to finish his tea.

"Now Spock, we go now!"

Kirk had not seen McCoy this directive before, an indication that he had really reached the end of his patience. What was more surprising was Spock's acquiescence to the command. He partly theorized that deep down Spock had wanted to go to her, but had been unable. Unknowingly McCoy had offered him the bridge on which to cross.

-000-

From the doorway she had seemed so peaceful and calm, he had almost been able to convince himself that she was simply sleeping. Now that he stood at the end of her bed, he realized how delusional he had been. Though medically stable it was clear that she was still suffering pain, as monitors above her bed spiked on an irregular basis indicating disturbances in her sleeping patterns.

Her body was still bruised from the actions of the Commander, Spock's fists clenched, he swallowed in an effort to control the waves of anger that still filled his veins when he thought of what had happened.

He had not been able to protect her. He had not wanted to protect himself. She had been vulnerable and hurt, and he had exposed her to the most primitive part of himself. There could be no conceivable way that she would want to see him again after witnessing his loss of control.

His eyes focused on her shoulder where her gown had slipped slightly revealing the now yellowish bruise from his hand. Moving forward he tentatively reached down to touch her skin. Every mark on her body a testament to how, in his mind, he had failed. Spock did not hear McCoy move to stand behind him, jerking his hand quickly to his side at McCoy's voice.

"You stopped that man from doing a horrible thing"

"I should not have used violence" his eyes returned to her shoulder, taking the gown in his hand he gently lifted it to cover her.

"Well I shouldn't drink whiskey, but I do"

"It is not the same thing Doctor"

"True but…."

"Doctor please do not say 'its only human'"

"I won't, but I will say that when you love someone reason tends to go out of the window"

"Then maybe Doctor it is better not to love"

"If I thought that I would give up being a doctor and go live in a cave"

A feint groan was heard from the bed, both men looked down to see Christine's fingers slightly move, then settle again in stillness.

"Stay with her Spock, that's the best reaction we've had in a few days, maybe she's responding to your voice"

"I really must go"

"No Spock, for both of you – you really must stay"

McCoy moved away flicking through medical reports.

Spock glanced around sickbay, apart from Christine the room was empty, few staff were present. He took a step closer to her bed. Leaning down he reached out to stroke her cheek.

She remained still. In a spiral of illogic his mind heard his Mother's voice, reading from ancient Earth texts. Story books that told of sleeping princesses.

He continued to touch her gently, just enough that he could feel a hint of her mind.

"Christine", he spoke low close to her face "I do not wish you to sleep any longer, it is time to wake up". He paused waiting for a reaction, then silently scolded himself for such an illogical interaction with the comatose Doctor. Turning to leave he noted McCoy sitting in his office, still thumbing through reports, a small shot glass of darkened fluid sitting to his side.

A brush against his leg stopped him moving forward.

"Spock?" weak, barely audible, her voice entered his body, pulling it back around to face her.

"Christine"

Eyelids opened slightly, the tiniest tinge of blue from her eyes could be seen.

"Ow every part of me hurts like hell!"

"Doctor McCoy!" Spock raised his voice, not wanting to leave her side "Chris….Doctor Chapel is awake!"

McCoy was out the door by her side within seconds. Smiling broadly at his patient "You decided to join us?"

"Yes, its fuzzy but I think someone told me I'd been asleep too long"

-000-

For the level of injury Christine had suffered, her recovery, once awake had been surprisingly fast. In under a week she had been discharged from the sickbay, confined to quarters under supervision.

Kirk was slowly attempting to untangle the diplomatic red tape that was threatening to drown the ship. Unexpected interventions by various Starfleet elite had made Kirk aware of Christine's connections. The previous head nurse had made some very influential friends. The situation would be settled, however the process had removed Kirk from being able to speak to Spock at any length in relation to his current situation.

McCoy had been regularly attending to his patient, followed by a steady stream of friends and colleagues offering assistance, sympathy and support. By the end of each day Christine was exhausted.

Spock had been conspicuous in his absences, initially he had ventured to her quarters, responding to superficial needs as they arose, however as the days increased his visits lessened.

Christine sat on the edge of her bed reviewing her current situation. The option of remaining on the Enterprise seemed impossible given Spock's behavior. Something was making him uncomfortable, she groaned realizing it was likely to be her. Unconsciously her hand stroked the injured shoulder where the marks had faded.

"_So close and yet so far" _she muttered to the empty room

She slipped off the bed onto the floor and gingerly made her way to the kitchenette area for tea. Each step a painful reminder of recent events. Movement through her side caused her the worst pain, turning, even now caused grimaces to etch her face. Though exhaustion snaked through her body, sleep remained elusive. Dreams of darkness embraced her each evening.

The door slid open revealing Spock, initially confused by his presence, anger slipped forward due to his deemed presumption.

"Spock, did you just override security to get inside?, I would have let you in"

"I assumed you would be sleeping, Doctor McCoy had asked me to ascertain your current condition"

"My current condition Spock is tired, grumpy, achy and just a bit frustrated – can you report that to Leonard. Can you also tell him I that I do not require people checking on me every 5 minutes!" her voice had risen, her hand shaking.

"I will provide the information to the Doctor" he hesitated, then moved forward, surprising her by taking her hands. "You are shaking"

"Don't" she pulled back

"I will let the Doctor know that you appear to be improving"

"Spock wait, please" she took small steps to the couch to settle "I want to talk to you, please stay"

"I am unsure as to what….."

"Spock you've been avoiding me, no don't try to deny it. You were there when I woke up and since then you've become more and more absent, have I done something, said something?"

"You have done nothing Christine"

"Then what is it –Why are you pulling away?"

"You have done nothing wrong – it is I that have erred, I regressed to my past, I responded on the planet with violence senseless violence"

"You protected me, how is that wrong?"

"YES" his voice rose "I protected you, I saw you, felt your fear your pain, like a scream in my brain. My relationship with you has brought forth, all the things I should not be. I did not respond as a Vulcan"

Anger welled within her, erupting with words that spat from her mouth "because you are not a Vulcan! You are HUMAN and Vulcan and no matter how hard you try to run from that fact it is the _truth_, part of your reality and you either accept it or it will tear you apart!"

"I will not accept it", Spock slammed his fist upon the table. He looked down at his hand, slumping into the chair directly behind him.

"Spock", she approached him, though remained at a distance.

"This situation between us unsettles me in a way that I cannot accept. My distance from you, is to protect my own sense of being"

"A sense of being that can be so easily made unstable" the argument was exhausting her "I thought I could be the one to help you, but I see now that this has to be done on your own"

His face was lowered, eyes to the floor, barely speaking he mumbled" I could have hurt you, I did hurt you"

"Yes you hurt me, but I survived, I _will_ survive. The pain will go, the memories", she gulped slightly "will fade. I wont deny that you scared me down there" she rested her head on her hands before speaking again "Oh hell Spock you are going to be able to find a hundred reasons as to why we shouldn't be together, and only one for us_** to**_ stay together – and that one will have no logic to it. So unless you find peace within yourself about the fact that there is illogic to this, to your life, then you are right to stay away, because this will never work"

She went to stand, slightly swayed, and steadied herself against the couch. "I think you need to go"

He remained sitting, eyes staring intently at her, unwavering, unnerving.

"Are you returning to Earth?" his question shot at her like a bullet

"What?…I hadn't thought..yes Yes Spock I'm going back. Staying here isn't an option" she waited momentarily before adding "is that what you wanted to hear, is that why you came to see me?"

"I was here on request of Dr McCoy, however I too wished to see if you improving. It seemed the appropriate opportunity to ask your future plans"

"Well you are officially off the hook, I'll be gone, and you'll be here"

"I do not wish you to go"

"No Spock, but you also do not wish me to stay. I believe this is what's called a Dead Draw in chess"

"One of us must make a mistake for the other to move forward"

A tired, yet warm smile wrinkled across her face, moving towards him she lowered herself to sit on his lap. Leaning into him, her forehead gently rested on his "I love you, I don't want to but I do, its probably the biggest mistake of my life"

His forehead pressed back towards her, his face rolling down her cheek to brush her lips. "You are still in pain"

"Yes"

With a graceful swerve he stood from his chair, Christine in his arms.

"You need rest to heal"

"I … " she turned her head into his chest "I cant sleep" holding him tighter she admitted in her mind to him her fear.

He wrapped about her, placing her upon the bed, yet remaining still entwined.

"Tonight you will sleep"

He looked down, only gentle breathing of contented slumber greeted him.

-000-

'Can I have you both on the ship?" Kirk put the statement to Spock as calmly as possible. "Doctor Chapel is not officially assigned here, she can be transferred reasonably quickly. The bottom line Spock is that I wont lose my First Officer"

"I believe that the Doctor has already made the decision to leave"

"I see, and my First Officer, what decision has he made"

"I will be staying with the Enterprise, though will request temporary leave on arrival at Vulcan"

"Just temporary?"

"Yes Captain, I have matters to address – however I have realized that I cannot do so by removing myself completely from situations that affect me. Time on Vulcan to reflect will allow for a re evaluation and centering"

"Agreed Spock, your leave will be granted"

Spock lifted himself from the table to leave the room

"Spock will you be ok?"

"Yes Captain"

"Chris?"

Spock turned and placed his hands upon the back the chair, visibly distracted

"Unknown Captain"

-000-

She remembered the last time she had said goodbye. Similar faces were present; tears were flowing, as before, hugs were plentiful and heartfelt.

" You look after yourself, no more trying to save the world" McCoy leaned in and hugged her, holding her for longer than necessary. "I wanted you to stay", he whispered into her ear

Looking up into his face she smiled "I know"

"Damn these artificial environments" he loudly stated turning, wiping his eyes.

Kirk approached her, holding her arms with his hands. "Chris I wish you the best, you were a great nurse and will be an even better Doctor"

"Captain, thank you for all your support", he kissed her briefly on the cheek

"I'm sure we will see you again"

"Thank you again Captain"

The room was a gentle burbling swirl of conversation as final farewells were wished, slowly subsiding into awkward silence with the arrival of the First Officer, standing directly outside the transporter room.

"Well ummm…. One to beam down." Scott's voice broke the tension, as people attempted to not look directly at Spock or Christine.

"A moment Mr. Scott", heads turned as Spock moved through the doors.

"Spock you don't have to …" she whispered the words as he approached her

He continued until standing directly in front of her, shuffling could be heard from behind as people looked away unsure as to how to proceed

He reached his hand down, touching two fingers lightly to hers. A gentle burn flowed through her body.

"You are not being fair", she murmured

"True", he responded, failing to move from where he stood.

"I need to go, the others are watching"

"I have been told that I must find the truth that exists within myself before I can find peace" he paused lifting a small token to place in her palm.

"This is your IDIC pendant? – Spock I can't take this"

"You do not take it, I give it to you"

"Meaning?"

"Meaning I will seek the truth within myself, then seek the one with whom I can share it. I am of the belief that in accepting the inevitable one finds peace"

"Inevitable?, Spock I don't understand"

"There is a certain illogic to the statement I have no doubt the meaning will become clear "

"Ummm…Doctor…sorry, the base is requesting you beam down"

"What, oh.." she looked confused staring into Spock's unwavering eyes

"Doctor Chapel I wish you well"

Spock stood back from the transporter; raising his hand to the Vulcan salute she could have sworn as the beam took her, he had looked at her and winked!

-000-

"Doctor Chapel" the young Lieutenant smiled broadly as she stepped from the transporter bay "Glad to have you back"

"Glad to be back Lieutenant"

She strode towards the exit, the pendant still in her hand. Briefly stopping she held it before her, without thinking she went to place it around her neck, but stopped midway.

"_No I wont wear it like a promise, but I will keep it as a possibility, one of many. Balls in your court now Spock"_ she whispered under her breath.

"Lets go save some lives Lieutenant"

_The End_

To all who have taken time to read my first attempt at Fan Fiction writing I wish to say thank-you. Reviews were / are greatly appreciated and have inspired me to consider trying to write some more.

Who knows - perhaps one day Spock and Christine will sort themselves out enough to get together : )


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9(?)

"He's crashing nurse!"

"Doctor..I … I " she stumbled over the words, panic leeching into her voice

"It a healing trance! Hit him – hard"

"I can't .. " she yelled

Machines above, blinking, went black - the screens were silent.

"He's dead Nurse"

"Dr McCoy I'm so sorry…."

"I will talk to you later nurse, please give me some time with the patient"

Her head lowered as she walked from the room.

McCoy looked down at the body before him, opening his mouth, just as the Captain strode into Sickbay.

"Did Spock die again?" was the Captain's casual comment

"Third time this week I don't get it", McCoy scratched at his chin in thought "if I got the option to hit Spock across the face I'd take it up in an instance"

A voice rose from the corpse lying prostrate upon the bed.

"That is reassuring to know Doctor"

"You're dead Spock, be quiet"

"Even the dead can't skip their shift on the bridge" Kirk grinned at Spock as he swung his legs to the side of the bed to stand.

"Of course Captain, apologies I had not expected the simulation to take this length of time"

"Neither did I", agreed McCoy "Humph if Christine were here, she would have hit you"

"I assume a reason for these simulations is Doctor Chapel's absence, it is a moot point to make"

Both McCoy and Kirk watched Spock leave before continuing the discussion, the slide of the door provided permission to talk further.

"He hasn't talked to you about her?" McCoy asked, clearing a small collection of medical paraphernalia from the side of the bed.

"No, pretty tight lipped. Haven't wanted to push too much. He's just starting to come back to being himself, which reminds me I thought we had agreed to not bring the topic of Chapel up. Now I find you running simulations, which appear to have a direct correlation to her absence. What are you playing at Bones?"

McCoy's hand was absently rubbing his neck, as he considered his response.

"I'm tired Jim" he turned to look at his friend

"We all are Bone's, long shifts, no shore leave – gets to everyone"

McCoy gestured to his office, offering Kirk a chair on entering.

"No Jim _I'm _tired, its not just the shifts it's the whole set up" how could he explain being frustrated with life on the Enterprise to a person whose primary purpose of existence, his every breath, was the Enterprise.

"I've just been thinking it would be nice to have a home, that didn't fly through the sky. Maybe a porch where I could see the sun rise in the morning and set at night, without fear of it exploding on a whim. Simple things and simple times"

"Are you sick?" Kirk expressed concern

"No Jim", he smiled back, his Captain was just not going to get this at all "look unlike you I'm not planning to be carried off this ship in a pine box. I want a chance to settle before going to meet my maker"

"Is that the reason for all the extra medical drills, you've been trying to find a replacement?"

"A replacement? Maybe not – but someone I can trust enough to look after things if I'm not around, yeah it would take a burden off. But as you can see, they're all too raw…." Shoulders slumping back into the chair, he looked over to a printed photo of the Head Nurse and himself, arms around each other on a particularly pleasant shore leave.

"I miss Christine", he breathed inwardly "She could manage things here if I wasn't around, I trusted her"

"Bones", Kirk's voice lowered as he leaned forward "she's moved on, you couldn't ask her back here – not as a nurse anyway… and I'm not sure I want her back"

McCoy snapped around to look at Kirk, brows slightly furrowed

"I mean" Kirk clarified "it would be great to have her back here, but given whatever has gone one with her and Spock, I'm not sure it's a good idea. You know if I have to choose I will choose Spock, I can't replace him"

"And it appears I can't replace her – we are stuck Jimmy Boy"

A silence sat between them both, comfortable yet laden with conflicting priorities.

Kirk ran his fingers across his lips, thinking until finally reaching a compromise, at least in his own mind.

"I can speak to Spock, see where things stand. If he agrees we can put it to Christine about returning for a rotation, but not as a nurse. It might give you some time to think about what you really want to do"

McCoy's face lightened considerably "I think a glass is in order" he beamed to the Captain, reaching for a hidden whiskey.

'If I'm about to talk to Spock about Chris", the Captain paused "a _bottle _would be more appropriate"

A burst of friendly laughter could be heard from the office in sickbay

***o0o***

It was another three days before a reasonable opportunity arose for Kirk to speak to Spock. Late after his shift Kirk had strolled into the Mess to notice him sitting apart from the crew studying some form of diagnostics.

He grabbed a coffee and made his way over, his mouth had begun to dry as he approached. If he was to be honest he had had other chances, he had just been avoiding them.

"Spock"

"Captain"

"May I sit down? …But if I interrupting I can come back later" he hastily added

"Of course Captain, please," Spock indicated to a chair

"Soooo….Spock, how have you been?"

"Captain?"

"You know, feeling ok?"

"In light of the fact that Dr McCoy has let me die three times?"

"Well Spock in all fairness, it was the new nursing staff that let you die"

Spock's eyebrow raised in his characteristic manner

"I was thinking more since the incident on Infernum….and since", he cleared his throat with a clearly uncomfortable grumble "Doctor Chapel returned to Earth"

At this Spock turned his full attention to Kirk, eyes meeting eyes across the table.

"Look Spock, I respect your privacy you know that, and no.." he held his hand up noticing Spock about to interject "I have had no concerns in relation to your work on the ship. All duties have been preformed at your usual high standard. There's another reason…" his voiced trailed off acknowledging Spock wished to speak.

Briefly Spock returned his gaze to the PADD before him, collecting his thoughts as to how much he was willing to share with his Captain.

"My actions on Infernum caused me great distress", pausing he returned to look directly at Kirk

"I acted in a manner of a person possessed, against all that I hold to value"

"You saved Christine"

"I nearly killed a man with my bare hands, like a primitive beast. Captain…Jim I had _wanted _to kill that man. When we entered where Doct..where Christine was being held, seeing her bound and beaten my only wish had been to take the life of the person inflicting that pain upon her"

"That's not unusual you care for her"

"It is unusual for a Vulcan"

"Weeelllll" Kirk's hand massaged his chin "it is NOW, but it's not widely out of sorts for Vulcans. We both know it exists within your people, we've seen it, experienced it"

"We are not proud of this fact Captain"

"Indeed" commented Kirk, reflecting his first officer's favourite response.

"Is there a purpose to this discussion Captain?"

"Yes there is Spock" _Dammit_, Kirk thought, _plunge in, say what you need to say and deal with consequences later_

"Bones is tired"

"We have had a long rotation Captain with no shore leave, I understand that Doctor McCoy may be weary"

"Yeah I said that, but it's not what he meant. He meant he is_ tired_"

"Captain I am not sure what you saying"

"I don't really get it myself, but I respect it. I think he wants a break from being Chief Medical Officer, I think he wants to settle down"

"Is he unwell?", Kirk could not help but notice genuinecare in Spock's question. Fight though they may, the two had a loyalty to each.

"No not sick, just needing a break, which leads me to our current discussion"

The Mess had emptied considerably since Kirk's arrival; he assumed it must be late in the evening. Less people made his voice seem louder, he lowered it considerably.

"He wants me to ask Chris to come back, in a 2IC position. It would take pressure off him, and allow for longer periods away from the ship to, so he can 'settle'. I'm not opposed to putting it to her, but I've made it clear that as you are the active member aboard the ship, your opinion, your wishes must be taken into consideration"

"Captain I do not see how the appointment of…."

"Spock stop, don't try to kid a kidder – you know if she was to come back I'd be concerned for how things would be managed. So I ask you as your Captain and as your friend, if I put this to Chris would it impact upon you?"

"Yes Jim, as my friend I tell you I would be affected, as your First Officer I advise that it would be manageable"

Kirk sat back clearly absorbing the information and formulating his best course of action. He was ridiculously loyal to both his officers, however he was and would always be wedded primarily to what was best for the ship.

"Captain perhaps some perspective" it was obvious by the slight re adjustment in his seating how uncomfortable Spock was in providing information. Kirk sat, silently, waiting.

"When Christine left I gave her a gift, my IDIC pendant"

"Wow – like an engagement ring?"

"More an acknowledgement of consideration to possibilities"

"Romantically ambiguous, sure she was over the moon with that, women love vagaries", he tone indicated to Spock that this may not be the truth.

"She did not refuse the item, nor has she returned it…nor have I …spoken to her since she left"

"Not even to congratulate her on graduating, with honours by the way- Bones told me"

"I sent a short note, which acknowledged the achievement, though did not provide other information. To that ends I have not heard from her since"

"Ok Spock, no offence but even I know that that sort of behaviour is not going to win her over"

"It would appear so, there was also the agreement, a contract if you will"

Kirk's chin fell to his chest as he continued to listen

"I was to make a decision as to the status of our relationship at the point of her graduation. I have not done so"

"So what you are telling me is even if I were to ask her, its unlikely she would accept"

"I did not say that Captain"

"Spock trust me, I'll admit I have not had the best track record in relation to relationships" Spock's brow raised higher than normal.

"Ok fine, appalling would be a better word, but with every mistake you pick up a few things. I have an entire encyclopaedia of information to fall back on – lets just say that you are …. What would be the right word?…yep that's it….screwed!"

"Interesting turn of phrase Captain"

"Needs are as needs be. Given this information is it even practical to consider the situation, sounds like you are still a bit unclear as to where you want things to go"

"I have meditated long on this issue Captain, I can acknowledge that Doctor Chapel is emotional and illogical. She demands attention at inappropriate times. My mind clouds and emotions surface when she is present, that should remain contained. She is not a Vulcan, and is unlikely to understand fully the ramifications of what being a Vulcan would entail"

"Right, ok so basically you are telling me that you're in love with her, or at least well on the way to that, but you are too chicken to commit"

"Captain I am not a bird"

"No but on this issue you are every bit a human man. I'm not a matchmaker but if you think you, can manage the situation I'm calling her and offering the post on the Enterprise"

"Captain"

"Spock?"

"Place the request Captain, I would not be opposed to Doctor Chapel returning to the ship, I cannot, however say the same for Doctor Chapel"


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Kirk couldn't remember the last time anticipation was so high aboard his ship. Since the announcement of shore leave on Earth the tone of the crew had swung sharply upward. Laughing rang through the halls, people joked, and attendance at shifts was buoyed by enthusiasm. Even he was willing to acknowledge that the ship had been too long traversing the great unknown.

"Oh sorry Captain", an Ensign apologised as he barely missed bouncing into Kirk.

"Watch yourself, you don't want to end up in Sickbay before getting to Earth"

"No Captain, I mean yes Captain"

"Oh the joys of youth" McCoy muttered

"Could be curbed a little on board the ship Bones" Kirk responded, though grinned as the young officer continued past him.

"Makes me wish I was 20 years younger"

Both men turned towards the Doctor's quarters, entering to talk further.

"Chris contacted me, said that you had called her about meeting up once we dock at Earth"

Kirk sat down uninvited on the couch "did you tell her what it was about?" Kirk asked, leaning across the table to pick up a framed photo.

"I said that there was the possibility of an opening on board that she might be interested in, mentioned I missed her and that I was looking more broadly then the final frontier for my retirement"

"You're not going to retire", Kirk commented "but maybe I could understand why you might – nice looking farmhouse", he raised the photo to McCoy.

"Yep purchased it about 3 months ago, waaayy down South, needs a bit of work, Old Earth renovation style.

Kirk reclined, hands knitted behind the back of his head.

"You know Bones, that sounds ok"

"Sure, you would go stir crazy in a week"

"Probably…anyway", he stifled a yawn "am catching up at some out of the way café, thought it might be better away from the campus, interested in meeting up after for some debriefing"

"What you think she wont take kindly to the offer?"

"I think she wont mind the offer, I'm just ready for the potential tirade in relation to our First Officer"

"Hmmmm…. Chris is classier than that", McCoy paused to take back the photo, placing it carefully on the bench near his bed. "Meeting up would be fine, had planned to enjoy a wee dram with Scotty at a bar, join us once you know what's going on".

Kirk stood, stretching his arms, walked to the door, turning once to wish McCoy good dreams.

McCoy only smiled, how could his dreams not go well, given how well his plans were currently progressing.

oo000oo

"I come back as an equal?"

"Yes – well sort of, second in charge of medical, but essentially in charge"

"I see"

Christine crossed her arms across her chest, obviously considering the offer. Kirk took a moment to appreciate the changes she had made. He had expected the same woman, the strangely fragile blond whom he had worked with. The woman, whom appeared that at any given moment, may break down into tears.

What he had been met with was a confident, dark haired – dare he say it – beauty.

She was casually dressed in jeans and t-shirt, yet somehow the look complimented rather than detracted from her attractiveness. The t-shirt was tight, not enough to be embarrassing but clearly worn so that her obvious training regime could be appreciated. Kirk sipped his coffee, moving uncomfortably in his chair with the thoughts that were flashing into his mind, inappropriate in relation to his closest friend's …. Kirk paused his mental meanderings … _well technically Spock and Chris weren't really officially_ _anything_. He ran the rim of the cup against his lip, waking from his daydream when Christine placed her hand on his arm.

"Captain?"

"What oh sorry…..what were you asking?"

"Just where would I stand in relation to Leonard, can I override him?"

"McCoy will still be the senior medic, but taking a back seat"

Christine laughed "a back seat? Leonard? Captain please"

Kirk focussed back on Christine's face.

"Seriously Chris, he's thinking of his options, he needs to know its ok if he was to spend some time away. With you present he might just be able to do that"

"Soooo….I'm coming on board for Leonard to sort his head out. I love Leonard you know that, but I have to think about my career" she placed her head into her hands, pulling them back through her soft shining brunette hair "Damn it, that sounded callous"

"No, it sounded like a person who is finally looking after themselves"

"Is he …. Ok?" she spoke in barely a whisper, not sure if she wanted to know the answer.

Kirk reached over to touch her shoulder reassuringly, tightening his fingers just enough to let her know that McCoy was fine, and that her concerns in relation to her position were valid.

"Look Chris, I'll be honest I want the best for Bones, for Spock, for you – if I can work out a way for this to be agreeable to everyone, then great – if not I'll sort that out as well. Joys of being the Captain"

Her hand reached up and sat upon his "Fighting Romulans is probably easier than this mess"

"Ha", he pulled away, just a little "Certainly is – give me a good warp malfunction in combat anytime"

"Ok" she adjusted in her seat to face him – eye-to-eye, elbows resting on her knees. "The deal – I come back – one rotation, 6 months. Leonard backs off and lets me run the Medics as I see fit"

"You know we will interfere, regardless of our conversation here"

"I know but I can tell him to go suck eggs – which should be fun. Would you have my back?"

"Well I'm certainly happy to remind him that he requested your placement on board _whenever_ its needed"

He paused then asked

"And Spock?"

"Bastard" she muttered unconvincingly "has he spoken to you?"

"He may have mentioned the pendant he gave you"

"I see"

"and the contract that you two decided on, which he didn't really follow through with"

"Right, I should have realised he would have spoken to you. You got through Captain, not sure how you did it"

"Chris, you got through too, I think that's clear to everyone. You just have to give it time"

"Time!" she scoffed "I've given him a major chunk of my life"; she sipped her coffee, pausing to think about her words. "Wait that's wrong to be angry, he didn't ask for that attention. I can't be angry with that. Though I'm a little miffed at his lack of contact since graduation, I had thought we had reached friends status"

"Is it going to be a problem?"

"Not for me, not now. I know what happened scared him, not just the incident on the planet. Allowing the possibility to even consider being close to someone like me must have shaken his Vulcan foundations to the core.

Lets be honest I think being in a relationship with me would be like being on a freakin' rollercoaster, emotionally speaking. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. When you think about that, I was probably the worst choice he could make. But the waters have settled, I'm fine."

"You going to give back the pendant?"

"Captain, Jim…" then smiling falling into a typical McCoy stance "Jimmy I've toughened up, but I'm not made of stone. It stays with me until he asks for it back. A girls got to hold a handful of hope"

"Thank God" he sighed loudly "thought we had lost our hopeless romantic forever"

"Our secret?"

"Our secret"

oo00oo

Christine surprised herself as to how excited she was with the thought of returning to the Enterprise. Her bags were packed and by the door at least four hours before departure time.

Was it that she would have full run of sickbaby, able to finally show Leonard that all he had taught her had sunk in, or was it that she would see her friends, explore strange new worlds, discover new medical interventions. Her head was giddy with the thoughts.

And of course she would see Spock.

He had contacted her once at her graduation with polite acknowledgements, then silence. It had hurt her, but not destroyed her – she smiled at that, it had not destroyed her, she had survived, it had been an important realization to make.

His reactions made her realise how little she had truly understood him. Flashes back to Psi 2000 forced their entry into her memories. Holding his hand, professing commitment "_I love you just the way you are_" how naive she had been. It was only after experiencing the violence that rippled just below his surface, the ugly truth of his daily reality, that she could see how far from knowing the "true Spock" she had been.

Quickly glancing at her watch she decided on one more walk in the gardens before leaving, besides there was a certain Professor she wished to farewell.

Walking amongst her beloved roses she saw him slowly moving along the cobbled path. She ran to catch up.

"Christine?"

"I'm leaving in about three hours," she stated quickly recalculating the time

"I have heard Christine, you will be missed"

"Not by everyone, but I hope by you. Is it in the nature of Vulcan's to miss people", she paused " silly question, should I pass on your best wishes to Spock?"

"Unnecessary, but yes please do so, with exactly those words it will confuse him no end" The Professor made a small noise similar to a chuckle. "And yes Christine Vulcans do miss, perhaps more deeply than humans"

"Really Professor?" scepticism unintentionally dripped from her lips

"Consider Christine, when you spend your life suppressing emotions, primarily the darkest turmoils that cause the greatest conflicts, all emotions good and bad will be felt sharper and clearer. Those who allow all emotions to run freely at any given time are allowing these an outlet, as such their force is less intense"

Christine could not respond, merely considered his comments. His voice broke her thoughts.

'What will be your place of comfort on board such a large vessel?, surely the gardens cultivated in such a cold place could not be as calming as these"

She gestured towards a chair, noting his hand slightly shaking whilst holding his cane.

She thought for a moment, trying to find in her mind the sanctuary she would seek on board.

"I will look to the stars", turning she explained, "on board you can walk on the observation deck. The stars feel close enough to touch. You can almost get lost in the vastness, yet there is a strange comfort in feeling so obviously a part of a bigger picture… its not very logical"

"I believe that we have ascertained that logic can be a fluid concept"

"Again thank you for your time, your kindness during my studies"

"It has been my pleasure Christine, please do me a favor on your return"

"Of course, anything"

"Say hello to Doctor McCoy for me"

"You know Leonard as well?"

"Just advise him that I support his plans whole heartedly and wish only positive outcomes"

"But…" Christine's brow furrowed, however decided not to question further.

oo00oo

"Mr Spock I have this under control, there's no need for ye to be here"

"Mr Scott, I had noted some anomalies with the transporter, I wanted to observe and re calibrate where necessary"

"There'll be no recalibrations of my machines laddie, they are in perfect working order"

"Mr Scott I insist.."

"Mr Spock I insist all is fine, or is there perhaps another reason for feeling a wee bit on edge?"

Spock glared at Scott, though did not say a word

"I will accept your assessment that the transporter is functioning adequately Engineer"

"Aye you will, cause they are"

The Captain and McCoy strode through the door, McCoy beaming ridiculously as he moved to stand near Spock.

"Have we missed her?"

"No, there's been a delay on Earth, but she should be here in a moment" Scotty grinned over at the Captain "Mister Spock has been ensuring that the transporter is working properly"

Kirk quizzically looked to Spock "I'm sure Mr Scott would have that under control"

"Yes Captain"

McCoy gently punched Spock in the arm "that's sweet Spock"

"One of my duties aboard the ship is to ensure mechanical maintenance is upheld"

"Sure it is…..very very sweet"

"Captain" Spock turned to Kirk for support, Kirk feigned interest in the console.

PERMISSION TO BEAM ABOARD DOCTOR CHAPEL

"Permission granted" Kirk responded, turning to face the transporter.

The platform glowed with sparkling promise. Slowly solidifying from feet to head the image of the new Doctor formed, tall, and graceful and ladened down with bags.

"Are you boys going to help?" she remarked, struggling to hold the bags. All four had stood in brief silence, as she had appeared, struggling with luggage draped over her body.

"Oh yes yes", three moved forward to take items from her. Spock stood still staring. "Cat got your tongue?" McCoy snickered as he pushed Spock forward to help.

In a few moments the bags were accounted for, one was left remaining on the floor. Both Christine and Spock reached to grab it at the same time, their hands touched, their eyes met. "I've got this, thanks Mr Spock" she took the handle from him.

"I'll show you to your quarters" McCoy cheerily offered. The entourage followed, Spock remaining discreetly behind.

Neither he nor Christine acknowledged to the other the shot of pure passion that had ripped up their arms on the touching of their fingertips.


	11. Chapter 11

"Christine!" his voice echoed loudly across the near empty mess.

"Carter?" She swung around as two strong young arms suddenly wrapped about her.

"You look great, actually you look HOT!" He held her out from his body to admire the new Doctor. His eyes openly roved appreciatively across her form.

"Umm .. thanks, but a bit more respect please" a sparkle of a smile glinting in her eyes

"I'd heard well done, how's Doctor McCoy managing being told what to do?"

"Surprisingly well, though I'm more his second in charge than actually in charge – but its pretty close"

She held her hand on his arm "do you have time for coffee?"

"Sure, anytime"

They turned back towards the simulators, Carter's hand resting easily around Christine's waist. To one end of the mess hall the couple were watched.

"They're just friends", Kirk commented on his companions distraction.

"I am aware of the relationship between Doctor Chapel and Ensign Carter"

"And it irritates you?"

"It is not my place to comment on the actions of the Doctor, she will choose to be seen with, and in whatever manner to be seen in with, whomever she chooses"

"Hmmm….sounds like you're irritated" Kirk sipped his drink, playfulness filtering into his voice "So you're ….jealous?"

"Captain why do you persist in insisting that I am experiencing an emotional response in relation to Doctor Chapel or her return"

Kirk outwardly groaned, Spock's insistence that Christine's resumption of duties aboard that ship had not impacted upon him was beginning to wear thin. At this stage McCoy had managed to maintain his silence, a feat Kirk had thought beyond him, however he was sure it was only a matter of time before the good doctor articulated, in his own special manner, the thoughts that were forming in everyone's mind.

"Well I have to admit that Chris has been doing a great job, she was good before, but she has just taken to being in control like a duck to water", Spock turned raising an eyebrow to his Captain, though did not comment. "I think she deserves a bit of spoiling, I think dinner tonight with me" he paused scratching his chin "the mess is so noisy though, maybe my quarters, I've still got that bottle of wine from Earth, the real stuff not the synthetic, have been thinking of a reason to open it"

Spock's head snapped around, in response to the Captain's suggestion.

"I believe Doctor Chapel will not be available for dinner"

"Really Spock, and why would that be?"

"She is having dinner with me"

"Oh, I see – and you have asked her?"

Spock chose not to answer, it was not in the nature of Vulcan's to lie. It was at times the best course of action to rather omit the truth though silence.

Kirk laughed, gently slapping his First Officer on the shoulder.

Carter and Christine had finished their coffee, excusing herself from the table, she moved towards the door on her return to sickbay. She was surprised to find her exit blocked by the shadow of a tall dark and somewhat agitated Vulcan.

"Spock?"

"Doctor Chapel, as First Officer one of my responsibilities is to ensure senior staffs needs are catered for"

"I can assure you my needs are being catered to, _First Officer Spock_"

Spock briefly glanced over her shoulder to the young officer still sitting at the table. Christine followed his eyes, immediately rolling hers.

"Oh for goodness sake!" Christine walked past Spock towards the corridor.

"Doctor Chapel, I believe it important for us to talk"

"Fine Spock talk"

"Perhaps it would be more appropriate in your quarters"

"Excuse me, my quarters? – you lost the right to even consider my quarters when you didn't contact me …. Arrgh, I promised myself I wouldn't bring that up. If you want to talk to me Spock you can do it whilst we walk"

"I had been concerned that my lack of contact may have caused some level of consternation on your part"

"It did, but now it doesn't"

"The lack of communication was not due to any fault or action on your behalf"

"I am aware of that. I am also aware that lack of communication indicates a lack of interest, I have come to peace with that"

"A particular action does not necessarily have a single cause"

Christine shook her head, temporarily lost for words.

"I believe it would benefit our current working relationship if we were able to discuss this matter at length, preferably in private"

Christine abruptly stopped. The plan was to turn with a sense of indignation, hands on hips, superior tone. The plan was cut short by a high-pitched scream from Sick Bay.

00oo00

An officer, barely of legal age, was drunk, very drunk, staggering about the bio-beds. He had reached for and missed one of the nurses on duty, falling forward. Christine immediately intervened, gently yet firmly placing the young man back upon the bed, checking his vitals as she did so.

Spock instinctively moved to stand near her, she could feel the heat from his body.

"Lieutenant you will need to stay in bed, you are not well"

"Sure I am nursey, I'm fiiiiiinnnee"

The officer rolled from the bed, stumbling into Christine. Spock moved to buffer his fall into her. To his surprise Christine had maneuvered herself to grab the officer, turn him and place him firmly yet with care back onto the bed.

"Maybe not so fine" the officer moaned, before vomiting onto the floor.

"Oh for goodness sake…Nurse! Come and attend to this"

She turned her head slightly to Spock "the benefits of position" she smiled briefly at him, forgetting for a moment her earlier frustration.

A young red headed nurse entered the room to help the officer back into bed.

Christine grabbed a towel to wipe her hands.

"I took some time to take lessons in how to manage…difficult situations, I thought they might come in handy. I didn't expect to use those skills in sickbay"

"Doctor I believe we had not finished our previous conversation, perhaps dinner would be an appropriate time"

She wiped some residue from her hair, "Dinner? – I do have to eat, yes dinner would be fine, but I think I need to clean up first"

"Of course Doctor, do you require assistance"

"I was thinking of having a shower Spock, are you offering to assist me with that?" a hint of sarcasm escaped into her voice.

"With…No Doctor Chapel I …" realizing the innuendo Spock went to leave "Though as First Officer, as previously stated, I _am_ available to provide direct support to all senior staff"

00oo00

"Spock"

The voice was sharp through the comlink to her quarters.

"Damn why is he _here_?" Christine stood in her towel, water trickling down her leg as she leant to open the door.

"Christine I…oh."

"Were you invited Spock? I mean I could have met you in the Mess" she was angry for about three seconds then acquiesced – _got to pick my battles_, she internally grumbled "its fine, just give me a minute to throw some clothes on"

She turned away from him, her towel hanging low across her back revealing down towards her hips. Dark wet hair trailed along her bare shoulders, framing her back and highlighting the slight muscular outlines of her toned body. He could see a small emblem at the lower part of her back, yet could not make out the design – peering intently he realized that it had not been known to him that Christine had a tattoo.

"Perhaps I should return later"

"What no, I'm nearly ready" grabbing clothes from her bed she moved to the bathroom, throwing the towel from the door as she entered.

All the Vulcan discipline in the world could not contain a wash of memories flowing into his mind, the warmth of her body against his, the softness of her skin, the slight moisture of her lips when they had kissed.

Spock began pacing, this had not been his intention, and such thoughts benefitted no one. Whilst considering his actions he was interrupted by a request.

"Spock sorry, the zip is caught, can you help", she had emerged from the bathroom, in simple attire. Black pants curved complimentarily into her legs, a deep blue blouse floated about her top.

She turned her back to him, again exposing the line of her spine; it took a moment for him to realize that she wore no bra. His hand shook slightly at his side.

"Surely Doctor you can manage this yourself, why else would you have purchased such a garment"

"Such a garment? Spock it's stuck, please it will take two seconds"

He stepped towards her, able now to more clearly see the small pattern on her lower back. Taking the zip he proceeded to gently pull it upwards. Whilst standing she felt a flush of warmth and desire as she noticed the tentative touch of fingertips across the small inked part of her body.

"I got the tattoo on my return to Earth"

"I had not noticed a tattoo," Spock lied blatantly.

"Of course you didn't, and Vulcan's never lie"

She turned and looked up at him. His eyes pierced through the invisible lines she had created to shield herself from his affect. Her breath caught in her throat, her hand drifted upwards to his chest to rest. Her palm flat, feeling the heat rising from his body.

They stood, caught in a moment.

"Spock" she paused trying to articulate her thoughts "I can't go back to where we were, you understand that?"

He lifted the palm of his hand, fractions from her face, then faltered.

"I understand that the situation has altered, as I too am altered"

Her brow furrowed with confusion, however she refused to speak. She would allow him to explain.

"You witnessed a dark part of me Christine, perhaps the most vile part of who I am. I was ashamed, yet you were not afraid. I had not expected that, it was not logical that you would wish to remain in a relationship with me after witnessing such an act"

"You do not know my mind Spock, you can't make my decisions"

"I thought I would protect you" he paused momentarily changing tact "have you been able to sleep?"

The question surprised her, instantly she was returned to their last night together, tortured by images beyond her control, he had held her until sleep had finally found her.

"Yes I can sleep, can you?" she didn't expect a response

His simple "No" surprised her

Realization spread across her, into each vein and muscle that had cursed the Vulcan before her only months before. He was terrified, in his own contained way this response on Infernum had affected him more deeply than any transgressions of the past. He had realized that she would open the gateways to the human part of him so long concealed.

"Damn you", she whispered, lifting her face upwards to his – there was no questions, no query or concern as his lips moved to meet hers, pressed with a passion derived from desperation to connect. So warm, their tongues caressed the other with a grateful eagerness that had both consumed within moments.

His hands were warm against her back as he moved to hold her closer.

"Christine" he murmured "I do not have the right….."

"Spock if you don't rip this shirt from my body in the next two seconds I'm walking out of here, and this really is your last chance"

No verbal response was provided; fabric ripped, her answer provided.

Lifting her they found the bed, she was lain, torso stripped for his eager gaze. He held her then pinned her beneath him, holding her against the sheets.

"It is all of you that I love, and need", she stated, pressing her knee upward to move within his thighs. "Not just a part, give me all of you with no fear, or confusion or leave me now"

Her naked honesty in both flesh and soul moved him. Taking one hand he traced from her stomach up towards her breasts, cupping his hand around her to feel the mass of femininity she offered, he slowly ran the tip of his tongue across her nipple causing sensations to crash across them both. Further still his fingers reached her face, then separated to meld.

"All of me" he echoed "take it now, if you are truly willing"

00oo00

Two hours elapsed, no words had passed from either's lips. Limbs were tangled in a mass of skin and sweat. Christine's head rested in the crook of Spock's arm, she absently caressed the hair upon his chest.

'What would you have done, if Infernum had not happened, would you have come for me at graduation?" the question had been circling at the back of her mind.

"Christine that requires speculation"

"You are a scientist, that is what scientists do"

Spock reached down to caress her hair, pulling her gently towards him.

"Given circumstances prior to the planet's events I would speculate that I would have come to you from whatever part of the universe to fulfill the contract on which we had agreed"

"oohh good answer", she grinned rolling onto his chest

"I was unaware that there was the possibility of a 'good' or 'bad' answer"

"Trust me Spock, there can be _very _wrong answers"

"The Captain had mentioned something along those lines"

She sat up on her elbows with a certain curiosity "You spoke to the Captain, about …us?"

"He spoke to me, but regardless a conversation was had. I did not take a great deal of his advice of board, however given recent events I may need to revisit his recommendations"

"With Jim's history I would suggest not" this comment inspired a move as she leaned over to her bedside table, parading as she did so her buttocks before Spock's face. It seemed beyond him to resist, as he playfully fondled her flesh.

"Ha, that tickles", she giggled, rolling back her head now upon his chest "your IDIC, I told Jim I wouldn't give it back unless you asked for it"

"You spoke to him as well!"

"Appears we are both at fault, how human of us"

Spock scowled, but remained silent

"Its yours, I should return it", she placed it back into his hand, which remained open.

"It is yours, it was when I gave it to you, and it remains so"

"But.."

"I see that you are not going to cease on this topic…."

"Well I think we need to….." Christine fell silent, apart from groans of pure delight escaping her lips as Spock had moved his position. She could only see the slightly ruffled top of his head as he silenced her in the most perfect way.

00oo00

The battle had been short, unexpected and brutal. Travelling under a cloaking device the Klingon warship had moved quickly to attack and then retreat. It made no sense, and though Kirk needed to consider the motivations his first priority was to the crew.

No reported fatalities, Chapel had relayed, though high casualty numbers. Kirk was impressed with her professionalism in the face of chaos. She and McCoy made a formidable team triaging crew, co coordinating the sick bay.

Reports had come through in relation to instability in the shuttle bay area, Spock volunteered to attend and assess. Medical staff had been required, Chapel had volunteered.

"Christine?"

"Spock a medics required" she knew he was about to protest, this was not the time. "What happened?"

"Four crew are trapped, the area is unstable. I suggest you return.."

"Spock don't!"

She moved past him to attend to the injured, Spock stepped forward to speak to the officer standing near fused entry doors. Through the glass crew could be seen, as could the smoldering wires and sparks threatening to trigger greater devastation.

"Can the doors be opened Lieutenant?", he briskly asked

"We're trying sir, its pretty volatile in there", as if to underline is comment a small explosion was heard from the bay.

"Keep working, we must try to get the crew out, Doctor Chapel?"

Christine had moved closer to the doors to peer through, "I need to get in there Spock, I can see from here that they need urgent medical attention"

"I am aware, however the doors are sealed"

"Mr. Spock", they both turned "I think we can open it" Christine quickly stepped forward, just as he grabbed her sharply pulling her back from entering the room.

"Spock people are injured!"

"Christine No!"

"Let go" – she tugged at him to release her, the room exploded behind them. His arms wrapped around her, holding her head to his chest as he turned to shield her body with his.

"Oh God", she moved again to enter the room, Spock continued to hold her, tightly. "Security – Shuttle bay immediately ! Christine you cannot, I will not allow you to place yourself at risk"

"Spock it is not your choice, my duty is … my duty is" tears filled her eyes, "I have to help them"

Spock held her out from his body, his eyes locked onto hers.

"When it is safe you may enter. I will not risk the ships Doctor", he paused briefly "I will not risk you". His hands held her firmly by the shoulders. It was clear that she wasn't going near the bay until it had been secured.

"Spock…." Her response cut short, as her hand lifted from his chest, a slight tinge of green painting the tips of her fingers "you're hurt"

In the confusion Spock had noticed but not acknowledged the debris that had hit his back when shielding Christine. It was evident now that his skin had been pierced as a slow seeping pattern emerged across his uniform.

"Sit" she directed him, removing his shirt without requesting permission, her mind solely on locating the injury. His back had been cut in several places, the wounds not deep, but bleeding. "Why didn't you say something…."

Her hands moved methodically over his body, attending to each cut across his skin. As she moved to bandage a smaller laceration on his side, she felt her hand stopped by his own. To briefly hold her, in the insanity of the moment provided a single second of peace. She pretended not to notice, yet leant her body imperceptibly closer to his.

"Damn Klingons and their mindless warmongering!", McCoy muttered, quickly overstepping wires and equipment to get to the injured. "Keep working on Spock" McCoy yelled as he entered the smoking room.

00oo00

"You're sure you're right?" Kirk was tired, it was days after the attack, the ship had settled, however he had not slept the whole time.

"I tell you, they are together, thanks to me" McCoy's feet swung up towards the desk, landing abruptly on incomplete files. Pressed back into his chair, a sense of overwhelming smugness emanated from him, barely contained within the room.

"So was the farm house a fake?"

"No real, great investment – but probably not for a few years yet"

"The ambiguous sense of pending agedness"

"I'm sure Jimbo I will feel the age at some stage, just not today"

"You staged the WHOLE thing!, just to get Chapel back on board!" Kirk was unsure as to whether to kill or congratulate his CMO.

"Not just me, there was some assistance from ground forces, who knew Vulcans could be romantics"

"The Professor?"

"The Professor"

"You realize you have probably breached 1000 protocols, and what if it hadn't of worked?

"Chris would have gone back to Earth, Spock would have had an uncomfortable six months. It was a win win. Besides it was never not going to work"

Kirk was lost for words, walking to other side of the room whilst attempting to formulate an appropriate reprimand.

"I am, if nothing else, a good old fashioned country doctor. I knows a broken heart Jim, and how to fix it"

"You do realize that if either one finds out, I am not standing in their way when they go to throttle you"

"They will be too busy with each other to worry about me. Jim its fine, clear sailing with a very happy Vulcan and Doctor"

"I should throttle you myself"

"Well you could do that, or you could hear about a little plan I devised for a certain over dedicated Starfleet Capt..oof" his words cut short by a medic kit thrown to his head.

00oo00

"Do you think he knows that we know?"

Spock's hand drifted down Christine's naked stomach, fingertips barely touching her warm, glistening skin.

"It is unlikely that the Doctor would acknowledge the case, even if he were aware of its truth" Spock continued to gaze at Christine's navel, leaning down to kiss the precious skin so welcoming to his wishes.

"We, I should be furious, if it hadn't been for the Professor's comment we might never had realized"

Spock lifted himself slightly from the bed to roll gently onto her body, his weight welcomed. She positioned herself without thought to accommodate his need.

"Indeed"

"Really Leonard manipulated us"

"Indeed" Spock was now kissing her neck, the slow circular motions of his tongue traced a line towards her ear.

"Furious" she groaned "I should go and confront him now"

"I shall not stop you Christine", he murmured into her ear, lowering his hand to massage her thigh.

"Really furious", her back arched slightly "…hmmm it's a long way to sick bay isn't it"

"It would require some effort to reach the destination"

"I suppose I can be furious tomorrow"

"It would seem logical"

She looked directly into his eyes "logical to postpone an emotional response?, logical to have an emotional response?"

"Logical to .." he pressed down upon her consuming her mouth with his, his heat penetrating her.

"I concur…it is logical to…." She responded eagerly to his touch.

THE END


End file.
